Ha

I just used my peripheral vision to catch Zoë looking at me.

“What are you looking at?!”
“I wanted to see if there was a note about Kristi on the white board.”
“Well, is there one?’
“No.”
“Then why don’t you write one?”
“No…”

Right. If Zoë wants to know where I keep my gold, this campaign of furtive peeking will get her nowhere.

It Begins

Zoë was wondering why the meeting rooms were recently outfitted with flatscreen TVs and shiny, wood-like flooring. “Don’t go into those meeting rooms,” I warned her. She seemed to believe me when I explained that these rooms harbor dragons that steal milk. Not true, but she fell for it! Stupid. Dragons hate milk!

She also asked me why I’d barely chewed any of the emergency gum she stashed for me. I told her that I bring my own gum and use the emergency gum for emergencies.

If Zoë had her way she’d eat all the canned hams in my fallout shelter and blow my zombie ammo on skeet.

MY Ergonomic Footrest

Several million years ago, Zoe bequeathed me her neglected footrest - either that or I burgled it, whatever. Now she wants it returned because her back aches or something. I think this may be part of some backward ploy to get at my gold. Nice try, infidels.

Zoe also told me her dog has fleas.

You Have to Turn the Pencil as You Sharpen

Today Zoe told me that she knew the “trick” to electric pencil sharpeners – that you have to turn the pencil as you sharpen. You can’t just poke your pencil in and expect a decent result. “I know that trick, too,” I said, and Zoe laughed like it was no big deal. I know that she is secretly planning my demise because she can’t stand it when someone knows her tricks. She is sure to botch my demising, however, for I am undemisable. I will go on mising for decades, using her electric pencil sharpener trick as I laugh all the way to the bank, pencil shavings and superfluous benjamins fluttering in the breeze behind me.