Tiny Person

Zoe saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last weekend. “I just don’t know how they got Brad Pitt’s face on that tiny person,” she told me. I had no response, because I didn’t see the movie and I don’t know how Brad Pitt’s face gets on tiny people, or, once on, how or if it is later removed. Once you get Brad Pitt’s face, there may be no turning back. You may have Brad Pitt’s face forever. How am I to know? Can anyone know? Is such knowledge knowable? Anyway, I don’t think she liked the movie very much, probably because it triggered this heavy epistemological celebrity-faced tiny-person-related crisis. Or maybe Steve didn’t properly saturate the popcorn with industrial butter-flavored oil derivative. I just don’t know.

MY Ergonomic Footrest

Several million years ago, Zoe bequeathed me her neglected footrest - either that or I burgled it, whatever. Now she wants it returned because her back aches or something. I think this may be part of some backward ploy to get at my gold. Nice try, infidels.

Zoe also told me her dog has fleas.

Sometimes, Zoe Checks the Zoetracker

Just now from across the room Zoe bellowed, “I don’t understand why ‘Nice Things I Do for Zoe’ has 6 entries.” I told her it was because I’m not done assigning labels to all the Zoetracker posts yet, and that that small number is bound to go up. She guffawed. Then I could hear her opening some sort of pill bottle.

La Croiks

Earlier today, Zoe and I were discussing lunch and I mentioned that my lunch included a lime LaCroix water. I was careful to pronounce it “La Croiks” and she was all “La Crwaw?” and I was all, “NO, it’s LA CROIKS.” Then I told her to say la croiks but she refused. I was all, “Say LA CROIKS,” and she was like, “No, I won’t smell the jar and I won’t say that.”

I should mention that Zoe looks especially serious today because she’s wearing glasses.

Aphids, or Ant Cows

Today Zoe said that she bought black yarn in order to crochet an ant. She also reminded me of her plans to engage in Amigurumi, the art of crocheting small animals for the home - or van, if you live in your van. Zoe doesn’t live in a van right now, but who can see the future? I told Zoe that she ought to consider the merits of crocheting a giant ant farm, complete with aphids for milking.

Later, I googled “ants milking aphids” for Zoe (I often do nice things for Zoe), and I read that wasps sometimes parasitize aphids, mummifying the aphids as they insert their larvae. I suggested that Zoe crochet an aphid mummy with a removeable wasp larva. She told me that I was being “creepy.” I told her that it would be “adorable.”

Sometimes I think Zoe has deep psychological issues with the Sublime, i.e., My ideas are sublime and she takes issue with them.

Eggplant Story Denied Tracking Clearance

Today Zoe told me a very short story about an eggplant, and when I asked her if I could put the eggplant story in the Zoetracker, she was all “No.” And so I was all, “Please???” And she was all “Noooo,”and I was all “PLEASE?!?” And she was all “NOOOOOO!!!” And I was all “PLEEEEEASE!!?”

Anyway, that’s where we stand on that one.

FYI: Zoë Isn't Crazy

Today Zoë told me that somebody looked at her. It was a look that said, “Zoë, you’re crazy,” and it made her feel sad. It was difficult to console her because I don’t know what it’s like to receive such a look. People usually look at me with respect and admiration because I am a woman of incredible grace and distinction. If you doubt this, try to think of something from which I am not gracefully distinct. Impossible! Wise men have spent days on this task only to emerge from their dark cloisters, broken and bewildered and crying out for mercy.

Zoe's Checkered Milk History

Zoe asked me if I ever have Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast any more, and I said it’s funny you ask that, because last night I found a packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast in the cupboard, but it was cappuccino flavor, so this morning I had yogurt and an apple instead. Then I said What did YOU have for breakfast, Zoe?!? And she said Raisin Bran. Then she said she sure had missed cereal, because she only recently started drinking milk again, and you can’t have cereal without milk. “I went 13 years without milk,” she said. So I said “But you had BREAST MILK, right?” And she said, “Yes. I had breast milk.”