It Begins

Zoë was wondering why the meeting rooms were recently outfitted with flatscreen TVs and shiny, wood-like flooring. “Don’t go into those meeting rooms,” I warned her. She seemed to believe me when I explained that these rooms harbor dragons that steal milk. Not true, but she fell for it! Stupid. Dragons hate milk!

She also asked me why I’d barely chewed any of the emergency gum she stashed for me. I told her that I bring my own gum and use the emergency gum for emergencies.

If Zoë had her way she’d eat all the canned hams in my fallout shelter and blow my zombie ammo on skeet.

More Fruitless Sniffing

More new rubber stamps in the office. When I told Zoe about them she immediately asked me if they smell like Band-aids. “I don’t know,” I told her, because I didn’t know, and because it is polite to answer questions with words rather than mute exasperation.

In case you were wondering, the stamps smelled a bit plasticy.

The Other Day

Today Zoe grabbed a rubber stamp from my desk and said, “You know, I smelled this stamp the other day. It smells like Band-aids.” I stared at her in disbelief for a moment, of course. Then I sniffed the stamp in order to verify her assessment. I was smart enough to sniff it away from Zoe so she couldn’t ink me by smooshing it into my face. And you know what? It smelled strongly of Band-aids. It made me wonder how often Zoe sneaks around the office, sniffing items from other people's desks. It also made we wonder why Zoe won't smell the jar. It's like Meatloaf knew Zoe when he wrote, "I'd Sniff Anything for No Reason (But I Won't Sniff That)." I can't stand Meatloaf myself, but I hear others are quite into him.

Monday

It’s the last day of 2007, and do you know what Zoe did? She went to the mall to watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets. National Treasure! Book of Secrets! This, from a woman with a doctorate in forestry and international finance! Jesus. She wanted to watch Sweeney Todd later in the day, but she wasn’t sure she could handle a two-hour wait in the mall. What, Orange Julius was closed?

I saw Sweeney Todd. It would have been good if it hadn’t been for the incessant singing.

Chocolate Milk

I was going to post something about Zoe, but I just drank a cup of chocolate milk and now I'm too full. But maybe a little something: Zoe just said, "I don't know why I bother putting my chewed gum in my secret gum place anymore, because who wants old chewed-up gum?" Then I said some awesome things that blew her mind, and she said something that I can't remember about old habits dying hard. Then she walked back to her desk while muttering something. "What?" I asked. "What did you say?" But she wouldn't repeat it. Probably because it's embarrassing to repeat things like "Thank you for opening my eyes with your extraordinary insight - let me buy you a cake."

Foon

Zoe just asked me if it was 'Annette Fudicello' or 'Annette Funicello.' I was all, “Funicello,” and she was all “Fudicello?” and I was all, “No, Funicello, Foon. Foon.” “Food? Or Foon?” “FOON! Foonicello! Why do you want to know?” And she was all, “I was just thinking of Annette.”

Later Zoe walked by my desk and said, “What, do you think that I just go around thinking of Mickey Mouse? And children?”

Sometimes, Zoe Checks the Zoetracker

Just now from across the room Zoe bellowed, “I don’t understand why ‘Nice Things I Do for Zoe’ has 6 entries.” I told her it was because I’m not done assigning labels to all the Zoetracker posts yet, and that that small number is bound to go up. She guffawed. Then I could hear her opening some sort of pill bottle.

Thank You for the Lemon Drops

Today Zoe brought me a bag of lemon drops because she “didn’t want them.” She also said that the bag was open because “the bag was on [her] counter top and Steve opened it and ate some.” Later she mentioned that Steve “bought her the lemon drops in the first place.” Look, if I wanted to hear about what Steve buys and eats, I’d phone Steve. Do you see me dialing Steve? No, you do not. I am a very busy woman. But rest assured that when I do phone Steve, I’m going to ask him why he thought it necessary to hijack the very the lemon drops he bought me.

Well, It's About Time

Zoe’s back. I was explaining to her the new labels in the sidebar – how if you want to read all the entries about “Hobo Sack,” all you have to do is click on “Hobo Sack” and all the Hobo Sack entries appear as if by darkest sorcery. “I have hobo sacks?” Zoe asked.

Darkest sorcery.

Zoe's Gone

Zoe's still gone. On an unrelated note, I've been doing more casual swearing lately. If Zoe were here, I'd want to know what she thinks of this, seeing as she never swears unless she forgets to take her Centrum Silver or someone ridicules her enormous hot pink dangly earrings.

Afternoon

Zoe just walked by my desk with a bag of six dinner rolls and two pats of butter. “There’s angelfood cake in the breakroom,” she told me. “Okay,” I said.

“Zoe’s eating a bag of buns,” Annette announced five minutes later.

Ask Zoe About Her Shirt

Today Zoe is wearing the t-shirt she found last week in a dumpster.

Few things bring me more sad joy than the image of Zoe, haggard yet manic, barefoot, alone, and pawing through alley trash as the stray dogs circle and sniff her hobo sack.

Zoe Ought to Consider the Possibilities

Today I asked Zoe if she was going to elope with Steve, and she was all "Why would you ask THAT?" and I said, "Because you could elope to Branson, Missouri and be married in a cowboy chapel."

Sometimes I feel that Zoe doesn't really think these things through. It's like we're in a movie, and I'm the quick-witted adventuress who is beautiful and does all the thinking, and she is the wild-eyed accountant who is always slinking off into the shadows to plan some histrionic and belated rejoinder. Then we're all chased into the woods by some guy wearing a sheet and size 12 shoes.

And Some Chairs

Zoe and Annette work on Saturdays, but I don't. I just asked Annette what Zoe did last Saturday and she said, "She talked to Steve and he was going to buy a grill and some chairs and make her a turkey burger."

UPDATE: Zoe's dog has worms.

Zoe Observes

Zoe just said “I went into that convenience store on Johnson and it was like MULLET CITY in there.” I wondered what mullet city looks like, so I did a Google Image search. It didn’t really help me visualize the interior of the convenience store, but so what? I trust Zoe’s assessment, and I would, under any circumstance and to the death, uphold her right to recognize and assess convenience store mullet saturation at any time, with or without advance notice or liability.

It's Perfect

I was trying to find an innovative gift for Zoe, and I found it! A garlic roaster for her desk! It will make the office smell terrible, and the odor Zoe generates after eating the roasted garlic will be problematic at best, but it's a small price to pay to make Zoe happy. Merry Christmas, Zoe!

She Could Have Been a Star

I was wondering about Zoe. If someone offered her twice her current salary to join the circus, would she do it? Maybe, but not right away. First, she'd say no. She'd be all, "I'm not doin' that!" and "THAT'S CRAZY! NOBODY JOINS THE CIRCUS ANYMORE!" Then I'd try to talk her into it. I'd tell her that she could use her "circus insider" position to rescue all the poor elephants and sell them to the San Diego Zoo for a hefty profit. Then she'd say, "I'm not doin' that! THAT'S CRAZY! NOBODY JOINS THE CIRCUS IN ORDER TO SELL THE ELEPHANTS TO THE SAN DIEGO ZOO!" Ugh. See what I have to put up with? Zoe never wants to take direction from me. Sad. She could've been a star. Also, she could have given me coupons for $5 off admission.