ZoeTracker 3000

Ha

2011-12-02T10:59:00.001-06:00

I just used my peripheral vision to catch Zoë looking at me.

“What are you looking at?!”
“I wanted to see if there was a note about Kristi on the white board.”
“Well, is there one?’
“No.”
“Then why don’t you write one?”
“No…”

Right. If Zoë wants to know where I keep my gold, this campaign of furtive peeking will get her nowhere.

Shoe-Related Non-Event

2011-11-30T12:24:00.000-06:00

Zoe is wearing purple low top Chuck Taylors and I am wearing black high top Chuck Taylors, so obviously I asked Zoë if she wanted to have a Chuck Taylor kick fight. She said no - she “doesn’t like to be kicked.” I don’t think she understood the question. I also think she would lose, as I am almost certainly a superior Chuck Taylor Kick Fighter. (Undefeated)

It Begins

2011-11-30T09:47:00.001-06:00

Zoë was wondering why the meeting rooms were recently outfitted with flatscreen TVs and shiny, wood-like flooring. “Don’t go into those meeting rooms,” I warned her. She seemed to believe me when I explained that these rooms harbor dragons that steal milk. Not true, but she fell for it! Stupid. Dragons hate milk!

She also asked me why I’d barely chewed any of the emergency gum she stashed for me. I told her that I bring my own gum and use the emergency gum for emergencies.

If Zoë had her way she’d eat all the canned hams in my fallout shelter and blow my zombie ammo on skeet.

The Future is Now, Again

2011-11-29T18:04:00.000-06:00

Look, I’d like to track Zoe again, but really, what’s the point? On an average day, I’m over here thinking about robots and enjoying a bowl of cold cereal. Occasionally it will be Golden Grahams. Other days, it’s Frosted Flakes! And I’m fine with that!

Anyway, Zoe’s leave of absence expires tomorrow - she has no choice but to show her face.

I have already hidden several sausages in her workstation.

Names

2009-01-02T15:53:00.002-06:00

Yesterday Elka was trying to get me to agree that “Dudley” is a good name for Zoe’s baby. I could not agree to such a detestable name. Elka badgered me about it for a minute or so, but I wouldn’t budge. “Well, Dudley is better than Snakebite, or Mouse, or whatever Steve wanted to name the baby,” she said.

No, no, and no. Snakebite and Mouse are perfectly respectable names, though I don’t think Steve was in favor of either. “Dudley” is scarcely mentionable in polite society. I’m not saying Zoe circulates amongst polite society; I’m just saying that Dudley is a loathsome name, unacceptable outside of sketchy English earls in the court of Elizabeth I.

Snakebite or Mouse, she said. Snakebite or Mouse.

More Fruitless Sniffing

2009-01-02T15:41:00.000-06:00

More new rubber stamps in the office. When I told Zoe about them she immediately asked me if they smell like Band-aids. “I don’t know,” I told her, because I didn’t know, and because it is polite to answer questions with words rather than mute exasperation.

In case you were wondering, the stamps smelled a bit plasticy.

Treats

2009-01-02T15:31:00.002-06:00

Zoe made peanut-marshmallow-chocolate treats and she brought some for me. As she presented me with the treats, the celestial sphere burst open and the Edwin Hawkins Singers swarmed through, belting out “Oh Happy Day” in thunderous tones. They were kind enough to replace the bits about Jesus washing sins away with homemade snack-related lyrics. Zoe claimed that she’d normally never make such a ordinary treat, but that it sounded good at the time. I ate two and lo, they were very good.

Tiny Person

2008-12-30T15:48:00.003-06:00

Zoe saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last weekend. “I just don’t know how they got Brad Pitt’s face on that tiny person,” she told me. I had no response, because I didn’t see the movie and I don’t know how Brad Pitt’s face gets on tiny people, or, once on, how or if it is later removed. Once you get Brad Pitt’s face, there may be no turning back. You may have Brad Pitt’s face forever. How am I to know? Can anyone know? Is such knowledge knowable? Anyway, I don’t think she liked the movie very much, probably because it triggered this heavy epistemological celebrity-faced tiny-person-related crisis. Or maybe Steve didn’t properly saturate the popcorn with industrial butter-flavored oil derivative. I just don’t know.

The Other Day

2008-12-16T15:28:00.003-06:00

Today Zoe grabbed a rubber stamp from my desk and said, “You know, I smelled this stamp the other day. It smells like Band-aids.” I stared at her in disbelief for a moment, of course. Then I sniffed the stamp in order to verify her assessment. I was smart enough to sniff it away from Zoe so she couldn’t ink me by smooshing it into my face. And you know what? It smelled strongly of Band-aids. It made me wonder how often Zoe sneaks around the office, sniffing items from other people's desks. It also made we wonder why Zoe won't smell the jar. It's like Meatloaf knew Zoe when he wrote, "I'd Sniff Anything for No Reason (But I Won't Sniff That)." I can't stand Meatloaf myself, but I hear others are quite into him.

MY Ergonomic Footrest

2008-12-12T11:39:00.003-06:00

Several million years ago, Zoe bequeathed me her neglected footrest - either that or I burgled it, whatever. Now she wants it returned because her back aches or something. I think this may be part of some backward ploy to get at my gold. Nice try, infidels.

Zoe also told me her dog has fleas.

Wakey Wakey

2008-12-10T15:39:00.000-06:00

Look here, I think I should track Zoe again for a while. Not forever, of course. There are limits. I haven’t bothered to track her for some time, so I’ll bring you up to date briefly: Zoe married Steve, had her hair cut, has yet to smell the jar, made cupcakes without bringing me one, and has a bun in the oven. She now wears trousers with elastic waistbands, as is the custom in these parts. I have taken the liberty of naming her child "Christopher Robin Meriwether." If it's a girl I'll call her "Whitecake Withchocofrosting."

Today Zoe bought a fruitcake and it smelled like canned baked beans.

Monday

2007-12-31T20:33:00.000-06:00

It’s the last day of 2007, and do you know what Zoe did? She went to the mall to watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets. National Treasure! Book of Secrets! This, from a woman with a doctorate in forestry and international finance! Jesus. She wanted to watch Sweeney Todd later in the day, but she wasn’t sure she could handle a two-hour wait in the mall. What, Orange Julius was closed?

I saw Sweeney Todd. It would have been good if it hadn’t been for the incessant singing.

Afternoon

2007-08-29T16:52:00.001-05:00

Today Zoe told me that she's joining a tennis league, and that it's just a matter of time before she makes it to Wimbledon. "Oh really? And I still don't know what love means," I said. She explained that love means zero, and then she went off about how her t-shirt rubs against her upper arm. Elka said something about a Russki wearing fancy clothes and Annette insisted that love is French. At any rate, that's when I decided to sit down and look busy.

Chocolate Milk

2007-08-29T16:29:00.000-05:00

I was going to post something about Zoe, but I just drank a cup of chocolate milk and now I'm too full. But maybe a little something: Zoe just said, "I don't know why I bother putting my chewed gum in my secret gum place anymore, because who wants old chewed-up gum?" Then I said some awesome things that blew her mind, and she said something that I can't remember about old habits dying hard. Then she walked back to her desk while muttering something. "What?" I asked. "What did you say?" But she wouldn't repeat it. Probably because it's embarrassing to repeat things like "Thank you for opening my eyes with your extraordinary insight - let me buy you a cake."

Foon

2007-07-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

Zoe just asked me if it was 'Annette Fudicello' or 'Annette Funicello.' I was all, “Funicello,” and she was all “Fudicello?” and I was all, “No, Funicello, Foon. Foon.” “Food? Or Foon?” “FOON! Foonicello! Why do you want to know?” And she was all, “I was just thinking of Annette.”

Later Zoe walked by my desk and said, “What, do you think that I just go around thinking of Mickey Mouse? And children?”

Sometimes, Zoe Checks the Zoetracker

2007-07-24T09:58:00.000-05:00

Just now from across the room Zoe bellowed, “I don’t understand why ‘Nice Things I Do for Zoe’ has 6 entries.” I told her it was because I’m not done assigning labels to all the Zoetracker posts yet, and that that small number is bound to go up. She guffawed. Then I could hear her opening some sort of pill bottle.

Thank You for the Lemon Drops

2007-06-20T12:48:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe brought me a bag of lemon drops because she “didn’t want them.” She also said that the bag was open because “the bag was on [her] counter top and Steve opened it and ate some.” Later she mentioned that Steve “bought her the lemon drops in the first place.” Look, if I wanted to hear about what Steve buys and eats, I’d phone Steve. Do you see me dialing Steve? No, you do not. I am a very busy woman. But rest assured that when I do phone Steve, I’m going to ask him why he thought it necessary to hijack the very the lemon drops he bought me.

Well, It's About Time

2007-06-20T11:59:00.000-05:00

Zoe’s back. I was explaining to her the new labels in the sidebar – how if you want to read all the entries about “Hobo Sack,” all you have to do is click on “Hobo Sack” and all the Hobo Sack entries appear as if by darkest sorcery. “I have hobo sacks?” Zoe asked.

Darkest sorcery.

Zoe's Gone

2007-06-13T15:31:00.000-05:00

Zoe's still gone. On an unrelated note, I've been doing more casual swearing lately. If Zoe were here, I'd want to know what she thinks of this, seeing as she never swears unless she forgets to take her Centrum Silver or someone ridicules her enormous hot pink dangly earrings.

Sigh

2007-06-11T14:31:00.000-05:00

I don’t know where Zoe is. She’s not here. Anyway, some ants decided that they’d like to be senators, so they held some fundraisers. The strongest ant, Kro-Ton 4, raised the least money, so he embezzled funds from Best Buy where he worked in payroll. In the end, phorid flies infested the ant colony and laid eggs in all the ant’s heads, so nobody ever discovered Kro-Ton 4’s embezzlement and the election never happened. I can’t remember what happened instead. Probably something bad.

*sigh*

I sure wish Zoe were here.

La Croiks

2007-05-30T14:40:00.000-05:00

Earlier today, Zoe and I were discussing lunch and I mentioned that my lunch included a lime LaCroix water. I was careful to pronounce it “La Croiks” and she was all “La Crwaw?” and I was all, “NO, it’s LA CROIKS.” Then I told her to say la croiks but she refused. I was all, “Say LA CROIKS,” and she was like, “No, I won’t smell the jar and I won’t say that.”

I should mention that Zoe looks especially serious today because she’s wearing glasses.

Afternoon

2007-05-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

Zoe just walked by my desk with a bag of six dinner rolls and two pats of butter. “There’s angelfood cake in the breakroom,” she told me. “Okay,” I said.

“Zoe’s eating a bag of buns,” Annette announced five minutes later.

You Have to Turn the Pencil as You Sharpen

2007-05-23T15:48:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe told me that she knew the “trick” to electric pencil sharpeners – that you have to turn the pencil as you sharpen. You can’t just poke your pencil in and expect a decent result. “I know that trick, too,” I said, and Zoe laughed like it was no big deal. I know that she is secretly planning my demise because she can’t stand it when someone knows her tricks. She is sure to botch my demising, however, for I am undemisable. I will go on mising for decades, using her electric pencil sharpener trick as I laugh all the way to the bank, pencil shavings and superfluous benjamins fluttering in the breeze behind me.

Aphids, or Ant Cows

2006-10-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe said that she bought black yarn in order to crochet an ant. She also reminded me of her plans to engage in Amigurumi, the art of crocheting small animals for the home - or van, if you live in your van. Zoe doesn’t live in a van right now, but who can see the future? I told Zoe that she ought to consider the merits of crocheting a giant ant farm, complete with aphids for milking.

Later, I googled “ants milking aphids” for Zoe (I often do nice things for Zoe), and I read that wasps sometimes parasitize aphids, mummifying the aphids as they insert their larvae. I suggested that Zoe crochet an aphid mummy with a removeable wasp larva. She told me that I was being “creepy.” I told her that it would be “adorable.”

Sometimes I think Zoe has deep psychological issues with the Sublime, i.e., My ideas are sublime and she takes issue with them.

Ask Zoe About Her Shirt

2006-10-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe is wearing the t-shirt she found last week in a dumpster.

Few things bring me more sad joy than the image of Zoe, haggard yet manic, barefoot, alone, and pawing through alley trash as the stray dogs circle and sniff her hobo sack.

Eggplant Story Denied Tracking Clearance

2006-10-03T15:25:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe told me a very short story about an eggplant, and when I asked her if I could put the eggplant story in the Zoetracker, she was all “No.” And so I was all, “Please???” And she was all “Noooo,”and I was all “PLEASE?!?” And she was all “NOOOOOO!!!” And I was all “PLEEEEEASE!!?”

Anyway, that’s where we stand on that one.

Zoe's Chiropractor

2006-09-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Zoe said that her chiropractor told her to eat more protein, watch her wheat intake, and not eat butterscotch chips for breakfast. What the?! See? It’s just like I always say: chiropractors are sinister, bone-obsessed blackguards who rob stagecoaches and eat children.

Maybe if her chiropractor would spend less time griping about butterscotch chips and more time pressing her bones back into their sockets, Zoe wouldn’t have such unbearable rickets right now.

“Don’t you tell me what kind of chips to have for breakfast,” Zoe should have told the scoundrel.

Zoe Ought to Consider the Possibilities

2006-07-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

Today I asked Zoe if she was going to elope with Steve, and she was all "Why would you ask THAT?" and I said, "Because you could elope to Branson, Missouri and be married in a cowboy chapel."

Sometimes I feel that Zoe doesn't really think these things through. It's like we're in a movie, and I'm the quick-witted adventuress who is beautiful and does all the thinking, and she is the wild-eyed accountant who is always slinking off into the shadows to plan some histrionic and belated rejoinder. Then we're all chased into the woods by some guy wearing a sheet and size 12 shoes.

And Some Chairs

2006-04-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

Zoe and Annette work on Saturdays, but I don't. I just asked Annette what Zoe did last Saturday and she said, "She talked to Steve and he was going to buy a grill and some chairs and make her a turkey burger."

UPDATE: Zoe's dog has worms.

Question

2006-03-30T10:59:00.000-06:00

How many cans of Pepsi One would it take to kill Zoe? One, if you aimed it correctly. But how many cans would she have to drink? I don't know, because I don't know how much Zoe weighs.

More importantly, it would take 10,237.50 Hersheys Kisses to kill me. It doesn't say how quickly you have to ingest them. I suppose you have to find a way to eat them all at once. You probably wouldn't even taste them. I don't see the point. I'd rather go on living than eat chocolate without tasting it.

FYI: Zoë Isn't Crazy

2006-03-22T13:32:00.000-06:00

Today Zoë told me that somebody looked at her. It was a look that said, “Zoë, you’re crazy,” and it made her feel sad. It was difficult to console her because I don’t know what it’s like to receive such a look. People usually look at me with respect and admiration because I am a woman of incredible grace and distinction. If you doubt this, try to think of something from which I am not gracefully distinct. Impossible! Wise men have spent days on this task only to emerge from their dark cloisters, broken and bewildered and crying out for mercy.

Tracking to Resume

2006-03-21T15:40:00.000-06:00

Time to track Zoe again. I’ve had a great time not tracking Zoe, but I’ve discovered disadvantages to all this freedom. For example, where was Zoe last night, when I wanted her to transport an enormous white cake from the bakery to my house? She was nowhere to be found, that’s where she was. When I needed cake, she abandoned me. I also needed her to pay for the cake because I wanted to save my money for a solid gold birdcage.

What the?

2006-01-30T16:47:00.000-06:00

Dude, what happened to the Zoetracker 3000? Why haven't I posted anything? Everything was moving along just fine, when all of a sudden

Introducing: The Jar

2005-12-22T20:30:00.000-06:00

And have a look inside:

*sigh*
Smell the jar, Zoe. Just smell the jar already.

I Designed a Hell

2005-12-19T21:47:00.000-06:00

They let me design a hell and this was the best I could do. It goes from least evil on top to most evil on the bottom. You can tell that it's just a pretend hell because The Who isn't in it. The best part about this hell is that there'd be a royal assload of food there.

Annette
Circle I Limbo

Happy Zoe
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Generous Zoe
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Sugared Zoe
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Me
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Tired Zoe
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Zoe's cat that ate all that butter
Circle VII Burning Sands

Shirty Zoe
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Gassy Zoe
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Zoe Observes

2005-12-06T15:50:00.000-06:00

Zoe just said “I went into that convenience store on Johnson and it was like MULLET CITY in there.” I wondered what mullet city looks like, so I did a Google Image search. It didn’t really help me visualize the interior of the convenience store, but so what? I trust Zoe’s assessment, and I would, under any circumstance and to the death, uphold her right to recognize and assess convenience store mullet saturation at any time, with or without advance notice or liability.

Zoe's Checkered Milk History

2005-12-06T14:07:00.000-06:00

Zoe asked me if I ever have Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast any more, and I said it’s funny you ask that, because last night I found a packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast in the cupboard, but it was cappuccino flavor, so this morning I had yogurt and an apple instead. Then I said What did YOU have for breakfast, Zoe?!? And she said Raisin Bran. Then she said she sure had missed cereal, because she only recently started drinking milk again, and you can’t have cereal without milk. “I went 13 years without milk,” she said. So I said “But you had BREAST MILK, right?” And she said, “Yes. I had breast milk.”

Candy Robin Hood

2005-12-05T15:28:00.000-06:00

Zoe, do you recognize this face?

This is a SUGAR GLIDER. Sugar Gliders are marsupials and their babies are called joeys. They have furry arm flaps so they can glide from tree to tree, stealing sugar from Zoe and bringing it to me.

It's Perfect

2005-12-05T11:55:00.000-06:00

I was trying to find an innovative gift for Zoe, and I found it! A garlic roaster for her desk! It will make the office smell terrible, and the odor Zoe generates after eating the roasted garlic will be problematic at best, but it's a small price to pay to make Zoe happy. Merry Christmas, Zoe!

Interview with the Vampire: Zoe Wants a Play-Along Sonogram by Mattel

2005-12-04T12:42:00.000-06:00

I just read that Tom Cruise bought a sonogram machine for Katie Holmes so they can watch their baby swell from the size of a Baco-Bit to that of a fine Christmas ham. Good. I know that Zoe is itching to try out this sonogram business herself, even though she isn't currently pregnant with a Jerry Maguire Baby. I am going to make Zoe a pretend sonogram machine out of a shoebox and a toilet paper roll so that she can follow the womby exploits of her own Pretend Top Gun Baby. It will be cute, like when dad cuts the grass and junior follows behind with his Fischer Price mower. My Play-Along Sonogram will have all of the other toy sonograms beat, as mine features a monitor with a smiley little fetus guy AND the wand doubles as a bubble maker.

2005-11-19T14:49:00.000-06:00

Thanks to: www.CustomSignGenerator.com

Who Will Zoe Marry? I Took the Quiz

2005-11-17T15:09:00.000-06:00

I took a quiz for Zoe. Zoe likes it when I take quizzes for her because I always know exactly how she'd answer the questions - and it saves her the time and trouble. So:

your marrying zacky zengeance or the lead from arch
enemy

who will you marry?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't know what this means. Bewildering syntax aside, who is zacky zengeance? Who is the lead from arch enemy? Are these "good boys?" I'm just saying.

Ruffians and hoodlums are OK, but I don't want Zoe marrying any bookworms or lily-livered jackanapes.

Wednesday Afternoon: Zoe Inquires After Jar

2005-11-17T14:55:00.000-06:00

Zoe: Do you still have that jar?

Me: Why, do you want to SMELL IT?

Zoe: No.

She Could Have Been a Star

2005-11-12T09:14:00.000-06:00

I was wondering about Zoe. If someone offered her twice her current salary to join the circus, would she do it? Maybe, but not right away. First, she'd say no. She'd be all, "I'm not doin' that!" and "THAT'S CRAZY! NOBODY JOINS THE CIRCUS ANYMORE!" Then I'd try to talk her into it. I'd tell her that she could use her "circus insider" position to rescue all the poor elephants and sell them to the San Diego Zoo for a hefty profit. Then she'd say, "I'm not doin' that! THAT'S CRAZY! NOBODY JOINS THE CIRCUS IN ORDER TO SELL THE ELEPHANTS TO THE SAN DIEGO ZOO!" Ugh. See what I have to put up with? Zoe never wants to take direction from me. Sad. She could've been a star. Also, she could have given me coupons for $5 off admission.

My Ghostbusters Show Was On

2005-11-10T23:13:00.000-06:00

Someone phoned me tonight, but I didn't hear the phone ring because Ghost Hunters was on. Later on, I listened to my voicemail. I had a message from Zoe. She wanted me to know that Ghost Hunters was on. Her exact words were "Your ghostbusters show is on."

Maybe I'll Spruce Up the Zoetracker with Some Nice Garamond

2005-11-10T10:35:00.000-06:00

I was thinking that maybe I'd spruce up the Zoetracker. I'd change the font and colors. But what colors would I use? Probably brown, dark brown, and clear. Those are Zoe's favorite colors. As far as fonts go, I'd switch to Garamond. That's Zoe's favorite font, though I happen to know that she also adores Comic Sans. I despise Comic Sans myself, but there's no disputing taste. Also, Zoe's favorite pizza is cheese, and her favorite holiday is Flag Day.

Note: Zoe's favorites (see above) are "projected" favorites and may not "reflect" her "actual" "favorites."

Don’t Worry, It’s Entirely Natural

2005-11-09T15:32:00.000-06:00

What if Zoe started peeing in her office chair? Not just once, but regularly, and without shame. She’d wee in her chair and then stand up and say, "Oh great. Now I have that to clean up!" So she’d clean it up and change pants. Then two days later she’d do it again. She doesn’t do this, but what if she did? Nothing in the employee handbook forbids this behavior. Perhaps we would grow to accept it, and eventually adopt the behavior ourselves. Not me, of course, but everyone else in the office.

Zoe Watched Television

2005-10-26T21:43:00.000-05:00

It's like I don't even KNOW Zoe anymore. She didn't even OFFER information about what she did last night - I had to ASK her what she did. She claims she ate appetizers somewhere and watched The Real World: Austin. Right.

I know what she SHOULD have been doing: sitting at her kitchen table and writing out a list of gift ideas for me. But no, she had to watch tv. Lame.

(Aside to Zoe: I'd like an Amazon gift card, a white cake with white frosting, a beta fish, an antique sofa with a secret compartment full of jewels, and some new shoes - not too dressy, not too casual.)

It's an Octopus!

2005-09-20T22:12:00.000-05:00

After years of blithe evasion and darkest subterfuge, Zoe has rolled up her sleeves and crocheted me my octopus. You will note his extreme handsomeness and Zoe's exquisite craftsmanship. Here he is, hamming it up with Giant Head:

I love him like a son. My son, the undersea genius. My son, the octopus. He will grow up to be a lawyer and a doctor and he will keep me free of disease and assorted pestilence until I die peacefully (and entirely compos mentis) in my sleep. I will be very old, but my beauty will cling to me like a drenched sailor to a buoy.

That's my boy!

I Am All Alone in the Desert

2005-09-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

I managed to eke out an entire week without Zoe. In her absence, I took the liberty of adapting our usual conversations for theatrical interpretation by finger puppets. I used the Marty McFly and Dr. Brown puppets for this one, but really, any puppets will work, as long as my puppet is wearing goggles. I always wear goggles in the office.

Me: Do you have any gum?
Zoe: No.
Me: I no longer want to live.

Me: Zoe!
Zoe: What.
Me: Where is my octopus?
Zoe: No hablo ingles.

Zoe: Do you have any gum?
Me: Yes, but it's Vanilla Chill.
Zoe: No hablo ingles.

Me: I wish I had a diet coke with lime.
Zoe: So go to SuperAmerica.
Me: I didn't bring any cash today. I'm not going.
Zoe: Get me a Pepsi One, too.

Zoe: Free vegan peach-cheddar-fig scones in the breakroom.
Me: Are they good?
Zoe: No. (stuffs scone chunk into cheek)

Was She Eaten By Cheetahs?

2005-09-02T21:03:00.000-05:00

I'm worried about Zoe. Today I fake-punched Zoe and she didn't even fake-flinch. I want the old Zoe back, the Zoe who used to pass out when the Hostess Twinkie truck drove by. The Zoe who used to smell the anemone. The Zoe who used to fake-flinch when I fake-punched. The Zoe who used to love the sound of styrofoam against styrofoam. What happened to THAT Zoe? Was she eaten by cheetahs?

And We Saw Many Chubby Boys in WWF T-Shirts

2005-09-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

I went to the State Fair with Zoe. Zoe went on the Magnum ride while I sat on a bench with her sunglasses. Then we both went on The Dark Side ride. Any further commentary would be superfluous, I suppose.

You're Welcome, or Whatever

2005-09-01T20:47:00.000-05:00

Well, August 29th came and went. One year of Zoetracker down the tubes, and did anyone ever thank me? Maybe. Beats me. If they did, they're going to have to repeat themselves, because I wasn't listening.

Somebody Had Better Supply Cake, and It Can't Be Me, Because I Don't Want to Be In Charge of Cake

2005-08-23T19:02:00.000-05:00

August 29th is the One-Year Anniversary of the Zoetracker 3000. This is great news for Zoe's fans, most of whom reside in Indonesia Minor. The difference in time zones will surely account for the lax celebrations. Zoe will probably sleep through all the roof fires.

Zoe Ought Not To Give Me a Mirror and then Accuse Me of Vanity

2005-08-23T18:44:00.000-05:00

The other day Zoe saw me sitting at my desk, peering into a tiny mirror. "You're vain," she said. Then, 30 seconds later, she walked by my desk again and said "You're vain." I immediately informed her that I wasn't vain, and that I was merely gazing lovingly into my own eyes, but did she hear me? I doubt it! And to think that SHE was the person who GAVE ME THE TINY MIRROR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The tiny mirror given to me by Zoe. It was a gift.

Please, Jebus, THINK Before You Give Zoe a Pygmy Loris

2005-08-20T09:36:00.000-05:00

"Kyoo-it! I want my OWN pygmy loris!" exclaimed Zoe, after seeing a pygmy loris in People Magazine.

As Far as the People are Concerned, I Do Not Agree

2005-08-20T09:21:00.000-05:00

Zoë seems to think that I should update the Zoetracker 3000 – now, and forevermore. I would deign to agree with her, but my agreement would only encourage her to voice this sort of loony opinion more often. I do not agree with you, Zoë. I DO NOT AGREE! Sure, I am updating the Zoetracker right now, but it’s not because of anything you said. It’s because I was nostalgic for the sweet, sweet cadence of my typed whining. And the delicate Arial font. I was nostalgic for the delicate Arial font.

Zoe is "Very Worried"

2005-07-02T18:07:00.000-05:00

Zoe keeps on sighing deep theatrical sighs and muttering, "I'm very worried..." If I don't immediately reply or make some sort of reassuring sound by rubbing two pieces of styrofoam together, she repeats herself until I cry out for mercy. Pffft. Do you know what she's worried about? She's worried that I am not tracking her properly! And it's true - I'm not tracking her properly. You see, last March I analyzed my tracking requirements, devised an outsourcing strategy, arranged for a nice holiday in Monte Carlo while the Miami office managed the offshore transition, and yes, I let a few things slide. But I'm back on course, I suppose. I suppose I'm prepared to roll up my sleeves and get back into the sordid business of tracking Zoe on a nearly diurnal basis. We shall see. I have many commitments these days, most of which involve my new Zoetracker outsourcing strategy. My new strategy involves "quantum puppies." Of course, these puppies are so small that you cannot see them - not even with a very powerful microscope.

I'm Trying to Remember What Zoe Said

2005-06-27T22:40:00.000-05:00

Last time I saw Zoe she said something, but I can't remember what it was that she said. I think she said that I'm amazing even though I don't drive a moped. I can't imagine why she'd say this, and I'm fairly certain that she didn't say it, but what of it? It's true.

No, I Hardly Ever Correct ANYBODY

2005-06-16T16:40:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe told me that I was correcting everyone too much. "You sure are correcting everyone a lot today," she said. "What did I correct?" I inquired, because I was curious. "First you said that you can't be BOTH reptile and amphibian, and then you said that Oatscream has no sugar," she said. "No, Oatscream has no added sugar," I corrected her.

If only I would inherit a large amount of money! Then I could live on Greek island and do all of my unnecessary corrections by phone or semaphore.

Oh How We Roared when Elka Said O'Possums are Irish

2005-06-16T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe said she likes rats better that possums. She also prefers rats over opossums. I find this hard to believe. I think she's confusing plain old rats with Jelly Rats. Jelly Rats really are better than possums, but only because there are no Jelly Possums. That I know of.

I just ate a whole box of mini Charleston Chews. I don't feel very good.

Zoe Is Concerned About Celebrities

2005-06-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

Zoe is terrifically bothered by this Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes togetherness business. Why, I don't know if I've ever seen Zoe so upset. Could anything upset Zoe more than Tom Cuise/Katie Holmes togetherness? For example, would she be more upset if I set fire to her hair fringies?

I will let you know.

Apres Amy, le Deluge

2005-05-03T15:12:00.000-05:00

This may surprise you, but Zoe didn't always sit in the cubicle next to Annette. Before Zoe, there was Amy. Amy and Annette used to talk to each other just like Zoe and Annette talk to each other now. Only it was different because Zoe was not there and Amy was. I hope you're getting this down. Anyway, I just came across a stickie note whereupon I'd transcribed the following Amy/Annette conversations... my stars, it must have been 4 years ago. Maybe three.

SCENE ONE, Saturday morning

AMY: I almost bought you a Britney Spears calendar.

ANNETTE: Oh, cute!

AMY: But I didn't.

ANNETTE: It was the thought that counted.

AMY: Good.

SCENE TWO, later that morning

AMY: BLTs last night.

ANNETTE: That's great!

AMY: I feel like a new woman.

ANNETTE: I bet you do.

Zoe, Mind my Deep Dislike of Ritz Crackers

2005-04-30T17:16:00.000-05:00

I asked Zoe where my green knitted octopus is and she said “Good things come to those who wait. (Long pause) You’re not going to come back here and clobber me now, are you?” “I’m not making any promises,” I told her.

At this point, I suspect the caliber of my Zoe-made octopus will match or meet (though not exceed) that of this octopus:

The Secret: Let Zoe Do All the Work

2005-04-30T16:42:00.000-05:00

The easiest way to insult Zoë is to wait around until she says something self-deprecatory, then agree with her sad remark and build on it. For example, yesterday Zoë said that she feels old. I said “But you ARE old!” See? Zing. Then she said “But I’m younger than you. Don’t you ever worry that you are too old?” And I said “No way, I don’t worry about getting old, because I still have my looks – unlike you. Your looks are pretty much gone already.”

Simple, but effective. And efficient, see? I let Zoë do all the work as I sit back and reap the rewards of my subtle yet resounding effrontery.

Zoe Is Wrong About Zoe's O's Cereal

2005-04-28T17:41:00.000-05:00

Someone gave Zoe a box of Zoe's O's Cinnamon Cereal. It's full of dangerous chemicals. For example, it includes omega-3 fatty acids. As far as acid goes, Omega-3 is a waste of time and will not trigger magnificent visions. For all I know it may even give you a prolapsed anus. Zoe's O's also has ground flaxseed in it - and ground flaxseed, you may remember, is what made Manuel Noriega go bad. Before ground flaxseed, Noriega was a simple librarian who loved pigeons and other living things. After ground flaxseed, his complexion went into the crapper and he wanted everyone terrified and miserable, though not necessarily in that order.

But Zoe wasn't worried about the hazardous additives in Zoe's O's cereal - oh, no - she merely thought that Zoe's O's tasted bad. So I gave it try. She was wrong. It doesn't taste bad, but that doesn't matter. I'm not going to eat it again because I fear the side effects listed above.

A Common Misconception

2005-04-16T13:47:00.000-05:00

Zoë left work early today because she’s going to a birthday party. The party will feature a bouncy castle. She did not invite ME to the party, even though she KNOWS that parties tend to fizzle and fail when I am not present. I suppose she’s concerned that I might puncture the bouncy castle with my razor wit. A common misconception, but an understandable one.

While I am Too Kind to Punish Zoe’s Gormless Windbaggery, I Will Gladly Publish the Gist of It

2005-04-16T13:02:00.000-05:00

Today Zoe tried to tell me that a certain drinking establishment is in her “neighborhood,” when in fact it is not. She also tried to tell me that the phrase “to powder one’s nose” might not always imply the act of literally applying powder to the nose. She is on a veritable bender of hogwash these days, but I am nothing if not forgiving.

I Finally Relinquished the Peeps

2005-04-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

Today I bestowed upon Zoë the Christmas Peeps I’d furtively concealed for the past 4 months. They remain minty fresh. I didn’t partake in said Peeps – not today. All I had was cheese and bread and a banana that was half brown. Sad. The banana skin did not indicate the foul rot that simmered beneath. Sad, sad, sad. Is it sad that Zoë’s 4-month old Peeps were fresher than my banana? Or am I just sad because I was thinking about Old Yeller?

UPDATE, 4pm: Zoe has eaten 5 of the 6 Peeps.

We are Nitrogen; We Make Others Act Drunk

2005-04-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

Zoe is not at work and I am not at work, so I took this test for myself, then I took it for Zoe. I gave completely different answers for both of us, I swear. And yet we're both NITROGEN. This may explain why we get on well together, but it does not explain why Zoe named her primate Sparky, or why she refuses to smell the jar... or why she sniffs her hands all day when she's just used her salt shampoo.

N...Nitrogen

You scored 27 Mass, 48 Electronegativity, 39 Metal, and 70 Radioactivity!

Sweet! You're quirky and non-confrontational... but you are also highly dynamic in relationships. You're kinda that "anything to anyone" type, but you don't demand that people love you for it. You very much do you own thing... and probably by extention you're the only one who can do the things you do. You're rarely found alone, but you'd get along great with other people like yourself. You're probably the only element that should try to find a mate who is just like you. Oh, and too much of you in a high-pressure situation can make other people act drunk... or die.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender
:

You scored higher than 18%
on Mass

You scored higher than 93%
on Electroneg

You scored higher than 26%
on Metal

You scored higher than 92%
on Radioactivity

Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus

What I Put Up With

2005-04-01T21:41:00.000-06:00

Today Zoe made a point of catching my eye and holding her Gerolsteiner water bottle to her bosom like it was a beloved infant. "I looooooooove my Gerolsteiner," she cooed.

Sick.

This Just In: I am Nothing without Zoe

2005-03-27T16:02:00.000-06:00

The other day Zoë asked me if I’d given up on the Zoetracker and I said no, I hadn’t given up. "Because you can’t give it up! I GIVE YOUR LIFE MEANING," she insisted. "YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME." Then she cackled like a toothless hag, stuffed half of a day-old croissant in her mouth and staggered back to her desk. "May you choke on your hubris, or your croissant," I said, but I don’t think she heard me.

I Don’t Give Rat’s Nads about Zoe’s Primate

2005-03-27T15:45:00.000-06:00

Zoë has a monkey thing on her wallpaper and she keeps telling me, “Come look at my primate,” and “Hey, come look at my primate,” and “Why don’t you ever come over here and look at my primate?” Pffft. I have better things to do than look at Zoë’s primate. And whenever I give in and look at Zoë’s primate, Zoë says “Look at his mouth and chin! Look at the mouth and chin! Look how cute it is!” Christ Almighty, stop harassing me with that tedious primate already. I’m about to call security.

Zoe is Not Here Today

2005-03-26T15:07:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking about how badly I don’t want cake right now, and how if somebody put a piece of cake in front of me, I might cry. I wouldn’t burst out in tears right away - I would sit silently for a moment, staring at the hated cake, and slowly the tears would come. Because I don’t want any cake right now! Doesn’t anyone understand me?

Update: While I was on the phone, Amy put the following note on my desk: "There's a white cake w/ white icing in the breakroom."

What Is E.T. Short For?

2005-03-05T16:11:00.000-06:00

Today Zoe told me an E.T. joke, and I laughed a little bit - but Zoe positively roared. She was out of her seat and rolling on the floor. I thought the joke was funny, but not that funny. Later, she walked by my desk and said, "I think you should put that joke in the Zoe Log," and then she started giggling again. "I'll think about it," I told her sternly. I'm not sure she understands the serious nature of this blog, and furthermore, I'm not sure I want to compromise my personal integrity with a wildcat E.T. joke.

(Answer: So he can fit into his spaceship.)

Zoe Must Acquire a Proper Cusscabulary

2005-03-05T15:15:00.000-06:00

Whew! Long time, no track. I was sick and then Zoe was in England. Anyway, it occurred to me yesterday that Zoë never swears. No cussing, no cursing, no Lords name in vain, no nothing. Pathetic. It is one of her signature flaws. She is even opposed to using the word "anus." It doesn't make any sense.

Old West Zoe

2005-02-06T20:33:00.000-06:00

If Zoe lived in the Old West, who would she be? I hesitate to suggest that she would be a prostitute, because who likes the sound of that? - but really, very few professions would have been open to her. She's not really Madam material - not openly bitchy enough, and rarely loud. Maybe she would marry an Old West venture capitalist and die as a result of some ill-begotten suicide pact. I suppose it would have been up to her. I also suppose that, had I discussed this topic with her before posting this, she would say that she'd have been a "wild woman," abandoned by her banker fiance, bunking in a Utah cave with a friendly wild pig she named "The Juice."

Random Zoe Quotation

2005-02-05T20:27:00.000-06:00

"It’s 3:30 on a Saturday afternoon. Look how dirty that white car is!"

Just Use a Clip

2005-02-05T20:22:00.000-06:00

Zoe told me that the heavy-duty stapler hasn't been working properly, and she demonstrated this by unsuccessfully stapling 73 pages. I told her to use a big clip. She said she couldn't use a big clip. So I just kept repeating my clip suggestion until she walked to her desk.

I've Produced a Solid Octopus Blueprint

2005-01-29T20:13:00.000-06:00

Zoe is knitting crap for everybody, or so she says. I told her to knit me an octopus, and I drew a detailed diagram of the octopus I want. So we'll see what turns up. If the product is not true to my diagram, I'm going to drop the luggage on her - figuratively at least, and literally if at all possible.

The Parasite Pals Give Some Irritation, but Much Fun and Love is to be Shared

2005-01-29T20:03:00.000-06:00

Zoë was looking at tapeworm photos online. Then she said that maybe she wasn’t cut out for nursing school. Who is? Then she found the Parasite Pals website. Nice movies under “fun stuff.” If I hadn’t been howling with laughter, I’d have barfed on the keyboard.

The Holly Hostess eraser has a hole in her tummy that holds another eraser in the shape of Tickles Tapeworm’s head.

I Prefer Lemonheads

2005-01-22T20:44:00.000-06:00

Re: Boston Baked Beans candy. I thought they had candy centers, but it turns out they have peanut centers. Zoe said that Boston Baked Beans have a bumpy candy coating, but Annette looked them up online, and they have a smooth candy coating. I think Annette uncovered some more information about the bumpy coating, but I had lost interest by that time.

Perhaps Boston Baked Beans would be more popular if they had a mascot with facial features; right now they're represented by a big, faceless pot of beans.

Zoe Needs to Get Some Air

2005-01-22T20:27:00.000-06:00

Zoe was combative today. She swiped at me with her claws. She also brought me two snacks, so things evened out in the end.

Zoe Has a Plan

2005-01-12T22:01:00.000-06:00

Zoe told me that she is rereading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in preparation for the upcoming film release. While I would never claim that Zoe has gone entirely mental, I am tempted to do so now. I will resist decrying her publicly if she will agree to fight me with tiny french pistols on a WB reality show.

Calm Your Nerves, Stranger

2005-01-12T21:43:00.000-06:00

Sexylovepits, if that is her real name, has reprimanded me for tracking Zoe poorly. I think it's a question of perspective. Zoe is a squirrely hologram, and I have other things to do sometimes, like picking the dead leaves off my houseplants or sitting on a chair.

"Hi, I'm Zoe!"

2005-01-01T21:00:00.000-06:00

Today when Zoe came into the office, she was already wearing her nametag. This leads me to believe that either she wore her nametag home yesterday, or she has gone mad and is wearing her nametag everywhere she goes. The latter seems more likely.

I Will Be Hungry

2005-01-01T20:29:00.000-06:00

Zoë said that she would probably have Chinese food later today. Did she ask me if I wanted any? No! Did she offer to purchase and deliver my Chinese food to me? No! And she knows how much I love food, and how difficult it is for me to talk others into purchasing it for me and bringing it to me. She knows I hate doing things. But still, nothing. Now I’ll probably have to ask someone else to go buy me some food. It probably won’t even be Chinese food. Sometimes I wonder how I get through the day.

Happy New Year, No Presents

2005-01-01T20:20:00.000-06:00

Today Zoë worked for about 20 minutes. She did not bring me anything. I expect her to bring me stuff this time of year. And none of that lame stuff! I want good stuff. Like a pan of Scotcheroos. In fact, I would have been half content had she only walked up to me and said “Scotcheroo.” I would also have been content with one of those large Barbie hairstyling heads. The thing about Zoë is that she never ASKS me what I want, so she doesn’t KNOW what to get for me.

Pretzels

2004-12-28T22:21:00.000-06:00

Today, Zoe asked if she could have some of my Newman's Own pretzels, so I gave her some. About 15 minutes later, she came back and asked for more pretzels. So I gave her more pretzels. Then, later in the afternoon, she asked for more pretzels, so I just handed her the bag and told her to take them with her. Ten minutes after that, she reappeared at my desk with the pretzel bag. It was empty, except for a lot of stray salt at the bottom. "Here, I thought you'd like your salt back," she said.

Cinnamon Candy

2004-12-27T21:33:00.000-06:00

Just last week Zoe reminded me how much she dislikes cinnamon candy. I told her that I don't like cinnamon candy either, but that sometimes I like those little red hots. She smelled weakness, and insisted again that she REALLY didn't like cinnamon candy. I insisted that I also really didn't like cinnamon candy. Zoe just stared at me. O, it was a cold, cold stare. But it was more than just a cold stare: it was the flinty glare of a purist.

Idea: Annette keeps cinnamon candy on her desk because she knows that it is the only candy that Zoe will not pilfer.

Time For Pie

2004-12-27T21:23:00.000-06:00

"I'm going to track Zoe better after Christmas," I told myself before Christmas. As you can see, I am off to a super double extra excellent start. Zoe was not at work today, so I ate all of the gummy bears off her desk. Tomorrow, she will probably read this and say, "But I never had any gummy bears on my desk." "That's right, Zoe," I will reply. "Because I ate them."

Meaty Cheesy

2004-12-21T17:13:00.000-06:00

I told Zoe that I cut into the Hickory Farms Beef Stick. She didn’t really care. I’m sure that if I had ripped into the “Hickory Farms Suisse Cheese Pasteurized Process Cheese Food,” she would have left me in a cloud of dust in her rush to gorge herself at its Suissey teat. Maybe I should open it, just to see her run.

Zero Implementation

2004-12-21T17:11:00.001-06:00

Zoe keeps working in the other office. I asked her why she can’t work in our office, and she said that she needs to be able to talk to the rest of the I.T. staff. So I suggested that she put the I.T. department on speakerphone, and then she said that she needs to use THEIR computer. So I suggested that she bring that special computer over here and put I.T. on speakerphone. Then she just kind of walked away while eating some of the free Christmas cookies that are deluging the office. She didn’t even TRY to implement my ideas. Apparently she wants no part in the wireless revolution, or any other revolution that would allow her to toil in the good office.

Zoe Saved a Fish

2004-12-21T17:11:00.000-06:00

Zoe is a stinky hero. She saw a live fish on the floor in her basement and she swooped upon it and plooped it back into it’s tank. Now her hands stink, but that fish will never forget her selfless gesture. Actually, the fish was probably in shock and had no idea who was saving him. So he never knew enough to forget. Good work, Zoe.

Ooooooffooooooooof

2004-12-16T15:46:00.000-06:00

Ooooooo, I feel so sick. Zoe gave me a packet of Angel's Delight Instant Dessert in Barmy Banana Flavour, and naturally I whisked it up and ate the whole thing in one sitting.
The picture is very small, but what can I do? I am too beastly full to google a bigger picture. The packet says "Instant Dessert for Little Angels!" I'm going to assume that Zoe passed this dessert on to me because I am a Little Angel, and not because the packaging includes the word "barmy," re: our usage contretemps of the days of yore.

Code

2004-12-13T09:25:00.000-06:00

Zoe called from far away and wanted to know, among other things, the current office gossip. Rather that admit to her that I am not the go-to person for gossip, I told her that I would write down all the current gossip in code. That way, she will never know how little I know. Here it is. Can you crack it? I can’t:

Things around the office have never been better. Uncle Fluoride cleaned teeth and prevented cavities from here to there. Influenza was a problem in 1918. People died, but nobody knew whom to blame. Uncle Fluoride blamed the government, and said so in a 70-page tract written in milk on black paper. Not a success.

Someone blasted a hole into the side of the USS Pony with a raft full of burning aerosol cans. Imagine the confusion! The galley slaves rowed on, but demanded slippers for their feet. The bowels of a ship can be a cold place. When the slippers came, they fell like rain.

I did not get a pay raise. Big Pocket says “Are you kidding?”

Word From the Front

2004-12-08T19:11:00.000-06:00

I received word from Zoe. She was kind enough to forward me a list of what she's consumed. Somehow, it's not enough. Why isn't she eating more? Does she want to waste away? And more importantly, does she want me to waste away? And why did she eat celery? Doesn't she know that she can get that here?

dairylea on bread
ratatouille (sp?)
half pint budweiser
victorian sponge cake
greek yogurt
satsumas
banana
broccoli
celery
cranberry, brie, and lettuce wrap
peking ribs crisps
smokey bacon and stilton crisps
mince pie
toffee bakewell
lots of coffee
wine gums
fruit gums

I am concerned that "Toffee Bakewell" is not plural. Typo? Really, just one? America has the boringest chips on the planet. Nacho. Chili cheese. Au Gratin. Onion 'n chive. Dill Pickle. Barbecue. Kiss my ass, Frito Lay! Get on the ball! PEKING RIBS, BROTHER!

Open Letter to Zoe

2004-12-07T15:49:00.000-06:00

Dear Zoe sitting in an English “cyber” cafe,
Update: I changed my desktop wallpaper from Scenic Countryside to Jason Bateman. Now that I’m running the office, I think it’s important that folks know which celebrities I support. I know what you’re thinking: “But he doesn’t have an upper lip!” You’re wrong, woman. It’s there. It’s no Angelina Jolie lip, that’s for sure. She’s a freak. But the lip is there.

Today you missed the office power outage. I read the beginning of The Heart of Darkness because it’s the only book in the office. How’s England? Are you wearing your top hat? Do you clap your ‘ands when you see all the farm animals wearing clothes and driving cars? They don't wear clothes here! Have you said “cheers” instead of goodbye? When in Rome, eh?! Remember my homemade Iain Duncan Smith traveling mug?
HR just gave us candy. I won't be saving you any. You know me.
Best,
EWP

Now It's Mine

2004-12-06T19:50:00.000-06:00

Zoë’s in England all week, so I took her thing. It looks just like this:

I believe that this contraption is designed to rest the feet. I am using it to fortify my calf muscles. It moves forward when you press it with your toes, and backwards when you press it with your heels. It makes a faint “ee-er-ee-er” noise. It’s the most fun I’ve had in three days. Unfortunately, Elka is in New Zealand, so she won’t have the opportunity to ask, “What..? What is that weird noise? What are you doing over there?”

Huh?

2004-12-04T20:41:00.000-06:00

Zoe left the office twenty minutes ago. Where could she be? Could she be out in her car, shoving fistfuls of sour gummy worms into her mouth?