Friday, December 02, 2011


I just used my peripheral vision to catch Zoë looking at me.

“What are you looking at?!”
“I wanted to see if there was a note about Kristi on the white board.”
“Well, is there one?’
“Then why don’t you write one?”

Right. If Zoë wants to know where I keep my gold, this campaign of furtive peeking will get her nowhere.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Shoe-Related Non-Event

Zoe is wearing purple low top Chuck Taylors and I am wearing black high top Chuck Taylors, so obviously I asked Zoë if she wanted to have a Chuck Taylor kick fight. She said no - she “doesn’t like to be kicked.” I don’t think she understood the question. I also think she would lose, as I am almost certainly a superior Chuck Taylor Kick Fighter. (Undefeated)

It Begins

Zoë was wondering why the meeting rooms were recently outfitted with flatscreen TVs and shiny, wood-like flooring. “Don’t go into those meeting rooms,” I warned her. She seemed to believe me when I explained that these rooms harbor dragons that steal milk. Not true, but she fell for it! Stupid. Dragons hate milk!

She also asked me why I’d barely chewed any of the emergency gum she stashed for me. I told her that I bring my own gum and use the emergency gum for emergencies.

If Zoë had her way she’d eat all the canned hams in my fallout shelter and blow my zombie ammo on skeet.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Future is Now, Again

Look, I’d like to track Zoe again, but really, what’s the point? On an average day, I’m over here thinking about robots and enjoying a bowl of cold cereal. Occasionally it will be Golden Grahams. Other days, it’s Frosted Flakes! And I’m fine with that!

Anyway, Zoe’s leave of absence expires tomorrow - she has no choice but to show her face.

I have already hidden several sausages in her workstation.

Friday, January 02, 2009


Yesterday Elka was trying to get me to agree that “Dudley” is a good name for Zoe’s baby. I could not agree to such a detestable name. Elka badgered me about it for a minute or so, but I wouldn’t budge. “Well, Dudley is better than Snakebite, or Mouse, or whatever Steve wanted to name the baby,” she said.

No, no, and no. Snakebite and Mouse are perfectly respectable names, though I don’t think Steve was in favor of either. “Dudley” is scarcely mentionable in polite society. I’m not saying Zoe circulates amongst polite society; I’m just saying that Dudley is a loathsome name, unacceptable outside of sketchy English earls in the court of Elizabeth I.

Snakebite or Mouse, she said. Snakebite or Mouse.

More Fruitless Sniffing

More new rubber stamps in the office. When I told Zoe about them she immediately asked me if they smell like Band-aids. “I don’t know,” I told her, because I didn’t know, and because it is polite to answer questions with words rather than mute exasperation.

In case you were wondering, the stamps smelled a bit plasticy.


Zoe made peanut-marshmallow-chocolate treats and she brought some for me. As she presented me with the treats, the celestial sphere burst open and the Edwin Hawkins Singers swarmed through, belting out “Oh Happy Day” in thunderous tones. They were kind enough to replace the bits about Jesus washing sins away with homemade snack-related lyrics. Zoe claimed that she’d normally never make such a ordinary treat, but that it sounded good at the time. I ate two and lo, they were very good.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tiny Person

Zoe saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last weekend. “I just don’t know how they got Brad Pitt’s face on that tiny person,” she told me. I had no response, because I didn’t see the movie and I don’t know how Brad Pitt’s face gets on tiny people, or, once on, how or if it is later removed. Once you get Brad Pitt’s face, there may be no turning back. You may have Brad Pitt’s face forever. How am I to know? Can anyone know? Is such knowledge knowable? Anyway, I don’t think she liked the movie very much, probably because it triggered this heavy epistemological celebrity-faced tiny-person-related crisis. Or maybe Steve didn’t properly saturate the popcorn with industrial butter-flavored oil derivative. I just don’t know.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Other Day

Today Zoe grabbed a rubber stamp from my desk and said, “You know, I smelled this stamp the other day. It smells like Band-aids.” I stared at her in disbelief for a moment, of course. Then I sniffed the stamp in order to verify her assessment. I was smart enough to sniff it away from Zoe so she couldn’t ink me by smooshing it into my face. And you know what? It smelled strongly of Band-aids. It made me wonder how often Zoe sneaks around the office, sniffing items from other people's desks. It also made we wonder why Zoe won't smell the jar. It's like Meatloaf knew Zoe when he wrote, "I'd Sniff Anything for No Reason (But I Won't Sniff That)." I can't stand Meatloaf myself, but I hear others are quite into him.

Friday, December 12, 2008

MY Ergonomic Footrest

Several million years ago, Zoe bequeathed me her neglected footrest - either that or I burgled it, whatever. Now she wants it returned because her back aches or something. I think this may be part of some backward ploy to get at my gold. Nice try, infidels.

Zoe also told me her dog has fleas.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Wakey Wakey

Look here, I think I should track Zoe again for a while. Not forever, of course. There are limits. I haven’t bothered to track her for some time, so I’ll bring you up to date briefly: Zoe married Steve, had her hair cut, has yet to smell the jar, made cupcakes without bringing me one, and has a bun in the oven. She now wears trousers with elastic waistbands, as is the custom in these parts. I have taken the liberty of naming her child "Christopher Robin Meriwether." If it's a girl I'll call her "Whitecake Withchocofrosting."

Today Zoe bought a fruitcake and it smelled like canned baked beans.

Monday, December 31, 2007


It’s the last day of 2007, and do you know what Zoe did? She went to the mall to watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets. National Treasure! Book of Secrets! This, from a woman with a doctorate in forestry and international finance! Jesus. She wanted to watch Sweeney Todd later in the day, but she wasn’t sure she could handle a two-hour wait in the mall. What, Orange Julius was closed?

I saw Sweeney Todd. It would have been good if it hadn’t been for the incessant singing.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


Today Zoe told me that she's joining a tennis league, and that it's just a matter of time before she makes it to Wimbledon. "Oh really? And I still don't know what love means," I said. She explained that love means zero, and then she went off about how her t-shirt rubs against her upper arm. Elka said something about a Russki wearing fancy clothes and Annette insisted that love is French. At any rate, that's when I decided to sit down and look busy.

Chocolate Milk

I was going to post something about Zoe, but I just drank a cup of chocolate milk and now I'm too full. But maybe a little something: Zoe just said, "I don't know why I bother putting my chewed gum in my secret gum place anymore, because who wants old chewed-up gum?" Then I said some awesome things that blew her mind, and she said something that I can't remember about old habits dying hard. Then she walked back to her desk while muttering something. "What?" I asked. "What did you say?" But she wouldn't repeat it. Probably because it's embarrassing to repeat things like "Thank you for opening my eyes with your extraordinary insight - let me buy you a cake."

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


Zoe just asked me if it was 'Annette Fudicello' or 'Annette Funicello.' I was all, “Funicello,” and she was all “Fudicello?” and I was all, “No, Funicello, Foon. Foon.” “Food? Or Foon?” “FOON! Foonicello! Why do you want to know?” And she was all, “I was just thinking of Annette.”

Later Zoe walked by my desk and said, “What, do you think that I just go around thinking of Mickey Mouse? And children?”

Sometimes, Zoe Checks the Zoetracker

Just now from across the room Zoe bellowed, “I don’t understand why ‘Nice Things I Do for Zoe’ has 6 entries.” I told her it was because I’m not done assigning labels to all the Zoetracker posts yet, and that that small number is bound to go up. She guffawed. Then I could hear her opening some sort of pill bottle.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Thank You for the Lemon Drops

Today Zoe brought me a bag of lemon drops because she “didn’t want them.” She also said that the bag was open because “the bag was on [her] counter top and Steve opened it and ate some.” Later she mentioned that Steve “bought her the lemon drops in the first place.” Look, if I wanted to hear about what Steve buys and eats, I’d phone Steve. Do you see me dialing Steve? No, you do not. I am a very busy woman. But rest assured that when I do phone Steve, I’m going to ask him why he thought it necessary to hijack the very the lemon drops he bought me.

Well, It's About Time

Zoe’s back. I was explaining to her the new labels in the sidebar – how if you want to read all the entries about “Hobo Sack,” all you have to do is click on “Hobo Sack” and all the Hobo Sack entries appear as if by darkest sorcery. “I have hobo sacks?” Zoe asked.

Darkest sorcery.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Zoe's Gone

Zoe's still gone. On an unrelated note, I've been doing more casual swearing lately. If Zoe were here, I'd want to know what she thinks of this, seeing as she never swears unless she forgets to take her Centrum Silver or someone ridicules her enormous hot pink dangly earrings.

Monday, June 11, 2007


I don’t know where Zoe is. She’s not here. Anyway, some ants decided that they’d like to be senators, so they held some fundraisers. The strongest ant, Kro-Ton 4, raised the least money, so he embezzled funds from Best Buy where he worked in payroll. In the end, phorid flies infested the ant colony and laid eggs in all the ant’s heads, so nobody ever discovered Kro-Ton 4’s embezzlement and the election never happened. I can’t remember what happened instead. Probably something bad.


I sure wish Zoe were here.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

La Croiks

Earlier today, Zoe and I were discussing lunch and I mentioned that my lunch included a lime LaCroix water. I was careful to pronounce it “La Croiks” and she was all “La Crwaw?” and I was all, “NO, it’s LA CROIKS.” Then I told her to say la croiks but she refused. I was all, “Say LA CROIKS,” and she was like, “No, I won’t smell the jar and I won’t say that.”

I should mention that Zoe looks especially serious today because she’s wearing glasses.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Zoe just walked by my desk with a bag of six dinner rolls and two pats of butter. “There’s angelfood cake in the breakroom,” she told me. “Okay,” I said.

“Zoe’s eating a bag of buns,” Annette announced five minutes later.

You Have to Turn the Pencil as You Sharpen

Today Zoe told me that she knew the “trick” to electric pencil sharpeners – that you have to turn the pencil as you sharpen. You can’t just poke your pencil in and expect a decent result. “I know that trick, too,” I said, and Zoe laughed like it was no big deal. I know that she is secretly planning my demise because she can’t stand it when someone knows her tricks. She is sure to botch my demising, however, for I am undemisable. I will go on mising for decades, using her electric pencil sharpener trick as I laugh all the way to the bank, pencil shavings and superfluous benjamins fluttering in the breeze behind me.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Aphids, or Ant Cows

Today Zoe said that she bought black yarn in order to crochet an ant. She also reminded me of her plans to engage in Amigurumi, the art of crocheting small animals for the home - or van, if you live in your van. Zoe doesn’t live in a van right now, but who can see the future? I told Zoe that she ought to consider the merits of crocheting a giant ant farm, complete with aphids for milking.

Later, I googled “ants milking aphids” for Zoe (I often do nice things for Zoe), and I read that wasps sometimes parasitize aphids, mummifying the aphids as they insert their larvae. I suggested that Zoe crochet an aphid mummy with a removeable wasp larva. She told me that I was being “creepy.” I told her that it would be “adorable.”

Sometimes I think Zoe has deep psychological issues with the Sublime, i.e., My ideas are sublime and she takes issue with them.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Ask Zoe About Her Shirt

Today Zoe is wearing the t-shirt she found last week in a dumpster.

Few things bring me more sad joy than the image of Zoe, haggard yet manic, barefoot, alone, and pawing through alley trash as the stray dogs circle and sniff her hobo sack.

Eggplant Story Denied Tracking Clearance

Today Zoe told me a very short story about an eggplant, and when I asked her if I could put the eggplant story in the Zoetracker, she was all “No.” And so I was all, “Please???” And she was all “Noooo,”and I was all “PLEASE?!?” And she was all “NOOOOOO!!!” And I was all “PLEEEEEASE!!?”

Anyway, that’s where we stand on that one.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Zoe's Chiropractor

Yesterday Zoe said that her chiropractor told her to eat more protein, watch her wheat intake, and not eat butterscotch chips for breakfast. What the?! See? It’s just like I always say: chiropractors are sinister, bone-obsessed blackguards who rob stagecoaches and eat children.

Maybe if her chiropractor would spend less time griping about butterscotch chips and more time pressing her bones back into their sockets, Zoe wouldn’t have such unbearable rickets right now.

“Don’t you tell me what kind of chips to have for breakfast,” Zoe should have told the scoundrel.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Zoe Ought to Consider the Possibilities

Today I asked Zoe if she was going to elope with Steve, and she was all "Why would you ask THAT?" and I said, "Because you could elope to Branson, Missouri and be married in a cowboy chapel."

Sometimes I feel that Zoe doesn't really think these things through. It's like we're in a movie, and I'm the quick-witted adventuress who is beautiful and does all the thinking, and she is the wild-eyed accountant who is always slinking off into the shadows to plan some histrionic and belated rejoinder. Then we're all chased into the woods by some guy wearing a sheet and size 12 shoes.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

And Some Chairs

Zoe and Annette work on Saturdays, but I don't. I just asked Annette what Zoe did last Saturday and she said, "She talked to Steve and he was going to buy a grill and some chairs and make her a turkey burger."

UPDATE: Zoe's dog has worms.

Thursday, March 30, 2006


How many cans of Pepsi One would it take to kill Zoe? One, if you aimed it correctly. But how many cans would she have to drink? I don't know, because I don't know how much Zoe weighs.

More importantly, it would take 10,237.50 Hersheys Kisses to kill me. It doesn't say how quickly you have to ingest them. I suppose you have to find a way to eat them all at once. You probably wouldn't even taste them. I don't see the point. I'd rather go on living than eat chocolate without tasting it.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

FYI: Zoë Isn't Crazy

Today Zoë told me that somebody looked at her. It was a look that said, “Zoë, you’re crazy,” and it made her feel sad. It was difficult to console her because I don’t know what it’s like to receive such a look. People usually look at me with respect and admiration because I am a woman of incredible grace and distinction. If you doubt this, try to think of something from which I am not gracefully distinct. Impossible! Wise men have spent days on this task only to emerge from their dark cloisters, broken and bewildered and crying out for mercy.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Tracking to Resume

Time to track Zoe again. I’ve had a great time not tracking Zoe, but I’ve discovered disadvantages to all this freedom. For example, where was Zoe last night, when I wanted her to transport an enormous white cake from the bakery to my house? She was nowhere to be found, that’s where she was. When I needed cake, she abandoned me. I also needed her to pay for the cake because I wanted to save my money for a solid gold birdcage.

Monday, January 30, 2006

What the?

Dude, what happened to the Zoetracker 3000? Why haven't I posted anything? Everything was moving along just fine, when all of a sudden

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Introducing: The Jar

Smellin' Jar

And have a look inside:

Smell the jar, Zoe. Just smell the jar already.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I Designed a Hell

They let me design a hell and this was the best I could do. It goes from least evil on top to most evil on the bottom. You can tell that it's just a pretend hell because The Who isn't in it. The best part about this hell is that there'd be a royal assload of food there.

Circle I Limbo

Happy Zoe
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Generous Zoe
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Sugared Zoe
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Tired Zoe
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Zoe's cat that ate all that butter
Circle VII Burning Sands

Shirty Zoe
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Gassy Zoe
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Zoe Observes

Zoe just said “I went into that convenience store on Johnson and it was like MULLET CITY in there.” I wondered what mullet city looks like, so I did a Google Image search. It didn’t really help me visualize the interior of the convenience store, but so what? I trust Zoe’s assessment, and I would, under any circumstance and to the death, uphold her right to recognize and assess convenience store mullet saturation at any time, with or without advance notice or liability.

Zoe's Checkered Milk History

Zoe asked me if I ever have Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast any more, and I said it’s funny you ask that, because last night I found a packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast in the cupboard, but it was cappuccino flavor, so this morning I had yogurt and an apple instead. Then I said What did YOU have for breakfast, Zoe?!? And she said Raisin Bran. Then she said she sure had missed cereal, because she only recently started drinking milk again, and you can’t have cereal without milk. “I went 13 years without milk,” she said. So I said “But you had BREAST MILK, right?” And she said, “Yes. I had breast milk.”

Monday, December 05, 2005

Candy Robin Hood

Zoe, do you recognize this face?

This is a SUGAR GLIDER. Sugar Gliders are marsupials and their babies are called joeys. They have furry arm flaps so they can glide from tree to tree, stealing sugar from Zoe and bringing it to me.

It's Perfect

I was trying to find an innovative gift for Zoe, and I found it! A garlic roaster for her desk! It will make the office smell terrible, and the odor Zoe generates after eating the roasted garlic will be problematic at best, but it's a small price to pay to make Zoe happy. Merry Christmas, Zoe!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Interview with the Vampire: Zoe Wants a Play-Along Sonogram by Mattel

I just read that Tom Cruise bought a sonogram machine for Katie Holmes so they can watch their baby swell from the size of a Baco-Bit to that of a fine Christmas ham. Good. I know that Zoe is itching to try out this sonogram business herself, even though she isn't currently pregnant with a Jerry Maguire Baby. I am going to make Zoe a pretend sonogram machine out of a shoebox and a toilet paper roll so that she can follow the womby exploits of her own Pretend Top Gun Baby. It will be cute, like when dad cuts the grass and junior follows behind with his Fischer Price mower. My Play-Along Sonogram will have all of the other toy sonograms beat, as mine features a monitor with a smiley little fetus guy AND the wand doubles as a bubble maker.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Thanks to:

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Who Will Zoe Marry? I Took the Quiz

I took a quiz for Zoe. Zoe likes it when I take quizzes for her because I always know exactly how she'd answer the questions - and it saves her the time and trouble. So:

your marrying zacky zengeance or the lead from arch

who will you marry?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't know what this means. Bewildering syntax aside, who is zacky zengeance? Who is the lead from arch enemy? Are these "good boys?" I'm just saying.

Ruffians and hoodlums are OK, but I don't want Zoe marrying any bookworms or lily-livered jackanapes.

Wednesday Afternoon: Zoe Inquires After Jar

Zoe: Do you still have that jar?

Me: Why, do you want to SMELL IT?

Zoe: No.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

She Could Have Been a Star

I was wondering about Zoe. If someone offered her twice her current salary to join the circus, would she do it? Maybe, but not right away. First, she'd say no. She'd be all, "I'm not doin' that!" and "THAT'S CRAZY! NOBODY JOINS THE CIRCUS ANYMORE!" Then I'd try to talk her into it. I'd tell her that she could use her "circus insider" position to rescue all the poor elephants and sell them to the San Diego Zoo for a hefty profit. Then she'd say, "I'm not doin' that! THAT'S CRAZY! NOBODY JOINS THE CIRCUS IN ORDER TO SELL THE ELEPHANTS TO THE SAN DIEGO ZOO!" Ugh. See what I have to put up with? Zoe never wants to take direction from me. Sad. She could've been a star. Also, she could have given me coupons for $5 off admission.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

My Ghostbusters Show Was On

Someone phoned me tonight, but I didn't hear the phone ring because Ghost Hunters was on. Later on, I listened to my voicemail. I had a message from Zoe. She wanted me to know that Ghost Hunters was on. Her exact words were "Your ghostbusters show is on."

Maybe I'll Spruce Up the Zoetracker with Some Nice Garamond

I was thinking that maybe I'd spruce up the Zoetracker. I'd change the font and colors. But what colors would I use? Probably brown, dark brown, and clear. Those are Zoe's favorite colors. As far as fonts go, I'd switch to Garamond. That's Zoe's favorite font, though I happen to know that she also adores Comic Sans. I despise Comic Sans myself, but there's no disputing taste. Also, Zoe's favorite pizza is cheese, and her favorite holiday is Flag Day.

Note: Zoe's favorites (see above) are "projected" favorites and may not "reflect" her "actual" "favorites."

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Don’t Worry, It’s Entirely Natural

What if Zoe started peeing in her office chair? Not just once, but regularly, and without shame. She’d wee in her chair and then stand up and say, "Oh great. Now I have that to clean up!" So she’d clean it up and change pants. Then two days later she’d do it again. She doesn’t do this, but what if she did? Nothing in the employee handbook forbids this behavior. Perhaps we would grow to accept it, and eventually adopt the behavior ourselves. Not me, of course, but everyone else in the office.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Zoe Watched Television

It's like I don't even KNOW Zoe anymore. She didn't even OFFER information about what she did last night - I had to ASK her what she did. She claims she ate appetizers somewhere and watched The Real World: Austin. Right.

I know what she SHOULD have been doing: sitting at her kitchen table and writing out a list of gift ideas for me. But no, she had to watch tv. Lame.

(Aside to Zoe: I'd like an Amazon gift card, a white cake with white frosting, a beta fish, an antique sofa with a secret compartment full of jewels, and some new shoes - not too dressy, not too casual.)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's an Octopus!

After years of blithe evasion and darkest subterfuge, Zoe has rolled up her sleeves and crocheted me my octopus. You will note his extreme handsomeness and Zoe's exquisite craftsmanship. Here he is, hamming it up with Giant Head:


I love him like a son. My son, the undersea genius. My son, the octopus. He will grow up to be a lawyer and a doctor and he will keep me free of disease and assorted pestilence until I die peacefully (and entirely compos mentis) in my sleep. I will be very old, but my beauty will cling to me like a drenched sailor to a buoy.

That's my boy!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I Am All Alone in the Desert

I managed to eke out an entire week without Zoe. In her absence, I took the liberty of adapting our usual conversations for theatrical interpretation by finger puppets. I used the Marty McFly and Dr. Brown puppets for this one, but really, any puppets will work, as long as my puppet is wearing goggles. I always wear goggles in the office.

Me: Do you have any gum?
Zoe: No.
Me: I no longer want to live.

Me: Zoe!
Zoe: What.
Me: Where is my octopus?
Zoe: No hablo ingles.

Zoe: Do you have any gum?
Me: Yes, but it's Vanilla Chill.
Zoe: No hablo ingles.

Me: I wish I had a diet coke with lime.
Zoe: So go to SuperAmerica.
Me: I didn't bring any cash today. I'm not going.
Zoe: Get me a Pepsi One, too.

Zoe: Free vegan peach-cheddar-fig scones in the breakroom.
Me: Are they good?
Zoe: No. (stuffs scone chunk into cheek)

Friday, September 02, 2005

Was She Eaten By Cheetahs?

I'm worried about Zoe. Today I fake-punched Zoe and she didn't even fake-flinch. I want the old Zoe back, the Zoe who used to pass out when the Hostess Twinkie truck drove by. The Zoe who used to smell the anemone. The Zoe who used to fake-flinch when I fake-punched. The Zoe who used to love the sound of styrofoam against styrofoam. What happened to THAT Zoe? Was she eaten by cheetahs?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

And We Saw Many Chubby Boys in WWF T-Shirts

I went to the State Fair with Zoe. Zoe went on the Magnum ride while I sat on a bench with her sunglasses. Then we both went on The Dark Side ride. Any further commentary would be superfluous, I suppose.

You're Welcome, or Whatever

Well, August 29th came and went. One year of Zoetracker down the tubes, and did anyone ever thank me? Maybe. Beats me. If they did, they're going to have to repeat themselves, because I wasn't listening.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Somebody Had Better Supply Cake, and It Can't Be Me, Because I Don't Want to Be In Charge of Cake

August 29th is the One-Year Anniversary of the Zoetracker 3000. This is great news for Zoe's fans, most of whom reside in Indonesia Minor. The difference in time zones will surely account for the lax celebrations. Zoe will probably sleep through all the roof fires.

Zoe Ought Not To Give Me a Mirror and then Accuse Me of Vanity

The other day Zoe saw me sitting at my desk, peering into a tiny mirror. "You're vain," she said. Then, 30 seconds later, she walked by my desk again and said "You're vain." I immediately informed her that I wasn't vain, and that I was merely gazing lovingly into my own eyes, but did she hear me? I doubt it! And to think that SHE was the person who GAVE ME THE TINY MIRROR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The tiny mirror given to me by Zoe. It was a gift.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Please, Jebus, THINK Before You Give Zoe a Pygmy Loris

"Kyoo-it! I want my OWN pygmy loris!" exclaimed Zoe, after seeing a pygmy loris in People Magazine.

As Far as the People are Concerned, I Do Not Agree

Zoë seems to think that I should update the Zoetracker 3000 – now, and forevermore. I would deign to agree with her, but my agreement would only encourage her to voice this sort of loony opinion more often. I do not agree with you, Zoë. I DO NOT AGREE! Sure, I am updating the Zoetracker right now, but it’s not because of anything you said. It’s because I was nostalgic for the sweet, sweet cadence of my typed whining. And the delicate Arial font. I was nostalgic for the delicate Arial font.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Zoe is "Very Worried"

Zoe keeps on sighing deep theatrical sighs and muttering, "I'm very worried..." If I don't immediately reply or make some sort of reassuring sound by rubbing two pieces of styrofoam together, she repeats herself until I cry out for mercy. Pffft. Do you know what she's worried about? She's worried that I am not tracking her properly! And it's true - I'm not tracking her properly. You see, last March I analyzed my tracking requirements, devised an outsourcing strategy, arranged for a nice holiday in Monte Carlo while the Miami office managed the offshore transition, and yes, I let a few things slide. But I'm back on course, I suppose. I suppose I'm prepared to roll up my sleeves and get back into the sordid business of tracking Zoe on a nearly diurnal basis. We shall see. I have many commitments these days, most of which involve my new Zoetracker outsourcing strategy. My new strategy involves "quantum puppies." Of course, these puppies are so small that you cannot see them - not even with a very powerful microscope.

Monday, June 27, 2005

I'm Trying to Remember What Zoe Said

Last time I saw Zoe she said something, but I can't remember what it was that she said. I think she said that I'm amazing even though I don't drive a moped. I can't imagine why she'd say this, and I'm fairly certain that she didn't say it, but what of it? It's true.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

No, I Hardly Ever Correct ANYBODY

Today Zoe told me that I was correcting everyone too much. "You sure are correcting everyone a lot today," she said. "What did I correct?" I inquired, because I was curious. "First you said that you can't be BOTH reptile and amphibian, and then you said that Oatscream has no sugar," she said. "No, Oatscream has no added sugar," I corrected her.

If only I would inherit a large amount of money! Then I could live on Greek island and do all of my unnecessary corrections by phone or semaphore.

Oh How We Roared when Elka Said O'Possums are Irish

Today Zoe said she likes rats better that possums. She also prefers rats over opossums. I find this hard to believe. I think she's confusing plain old rats with Jelly Rats. Jelly Rats really are better than possums, but only because there are no Jelly Possums. That I know of.

I just ate a whole box of mini Charleston Chews. I don't feel very good.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Zoe Is Concerned About Celebrities

Zoe is terrifically bothered by this Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes togetherness business. Why, I don't know if I've ever seen Zoe so upset. Could anything upset Zoe more than Tom Cuise/Katie Holmes togetherness? For example, would she be more upset if I set fire to her hair fringies?

I will let you know.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Apres Amy, le Deluge

This may surprise you, but Zoe didn't always sit in the cubicle next to Annette. Before Zoe, there was Amy. Amy and Annette used to talk to each other just like Zoe and Annette talk to each other now. Only it was different because Zoe was not there and Amy was. I hope you're getting this down. Anyway, I just came across a stickie note whereupon I'd transcribed the following Amy/Annette conversations... my stars, it must have been 4 years ago. Maybe three.

SCENE ONE, Saturday morning

AMY: I almost bought you a Britney Spears calendar.

ANNETTE: Oh, cute!

AMY: But I didn't.

ANNETTE: It was the thought that counted.

AMY: Good.

SCENE TWO, later that morning

AMY: BLTs last night.

ANNETTE: That's great!

AMY: I feel like a new woman.

ANNETTE: I bet you do.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Zoe, Mind my Deep Dislike of Ritz Crackers

I asked Zoe where my green knitted octopus is and she said “Good things come to those who wait. (Long pause) You’re not going to come back here and clobber me now, are you?” “I’m not making any promises,” I told her.

At this point, I suspect the caliber of my Zoe-made octopus will match or meet (though not exceed) that of this octopus:

The Secret: Let Zoe Do All the Work

The easiest way to insult Zoë is to wait around until she says something self-deprecatory, then agree with her sad remark and build on it. For example, yesterday Zoë said that she feels old. I said “But you ARE old!” See? Zing. Then she said “But I’m younger than you. Don’t you ever worry that you are too old?” And I said “No way, I don’t worry about getting old, because I still have my looks – unlike you. Your looks are pretty much gone already.”

Simple, but effective. And efficient, see? I let Zoë do all the work as I sit back and reap the rewards of my subtle yet resounding effrontery.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Zoe Is Wrong About Zoe's O's Cereal

Someone gave Zoe a box of Zoe's O's Cinnamon Cereal. It's full of dangerous chemicals. For example, it includes omega-3 fatty acids. As far as acid goes, Omega-3 is a waste of time and will not trigger magnificent visions. For all I know it may even give you a prolapsed anus. Zoe's O's also has ground flaxseed in it - and ground flaxseed, you may remember, is what made Manuel Noriega go bad. Before ground flaxseed, Noriega was a simple librarian who loved pigeons and other living things. After ground flaxseed, his complexion went into the crapper and he wanted everyone terrified and miserable, though not necessarily in that order.

But Zoe wasn't worried about the hazardous additives in Zoe's O's cereal - oh, no - she merely thought that Zoe's O's tasted bad. So I gave it try. She was wrong. It doesn't taste bad, but that doesn't matter. I'm not going to eat it again because I fear the side effects listed above.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

A Common Misconception

Zoë left work early today because she’s going to a birthday party. The party will feature a bouncy castle. She did not invite ME to the party, even though she KNOWS that parties tend to fizzle and fail when I am not present. I suppose she’s concerned that I might puncture the bouncy castle with my razor wit. A common misconception, but an understandable one.

While I am Too Kind to Punish Zoe’s Gormless Windbaggery, I Will Gladly Publish the Gist of It

Today Zoe tried to tell me that a certain drinking establishment is in her “neighborhood,” when in fact it is not. She also tried to tell me that the phrase “to powder one’s nose” might not always imply the act of literally applying powder to the nose. She is on a veritable bender of hogwash these days, but I am nothing if not forgiving.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I Finally Relinquished the Peeps

Today I bestowed upon Zoë the Christmas Peeps I’d furtively concealed for the past 4 months. They remain minty fresh. I didn’t partake in said Peeps – not today. All I had was cheese and bread and a banana that was half brown. Sad. The banana skin did not indicate the foul rot that simmered beneath. Sad, sad, sad. Is it sad that Zoë’s 4-month old Peeps were fresher than my banana? Or am I just sad because I was thinking about Old Yeller?

UPDATE, 4pm: Zoe has eaten 5 of the 6 Peeps.

Monday, April 04, 2005

We are Nitrogen; We Make Others Act Drunk

Zoe is not at work and I am not at work, so I took this test for myself, then I took it for Zoe. I gave completely different answers for both of us, I swear. And yet we're both NITROGEN. This may explain why we get on well together, but it does not explain why Zoe named her primate Sparky, or why she refuses to smell the jar... or why she sniffs her hands all day when she's just used her salt shampoo.


You scored 27 Mass, 48 Electronegativity, 39 Metal, and 70 Radioactivity!
Sweet! You're quirky and non-confrontational... but you are also highly dynamic in relationships. You're kinda that "anything to anyone" type, but you don't demand that people love you for it. You very much do you own thing... and probably by extention you're the only one who can do the things you do. You're rarely found alone, but you'd get along great with other people like yourself. You're probably the only element that should try to find a mate who is just like you. Oh, and too much of you in a high-pressure situation can make other people act drunk... or die.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender

You scored higher than 18%
on Mass

You scored higher than 93%
on Electroneg

You scored higher than 26%
on Metal

You scored higher than 92%
on Radioactivity

Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus

Friday, April 01, 2005

What I Put Up With

Today Zoe made a point of catching my eye and holding her Gerolsteiner water bottle to her bosom like it was a beloved infant. "I looooooooove my Gerolsteiner," she cooed.


Sunday, March 27, 2005

This Just In: I am Nothing without Zoe

The other day Zoë asked me if I’d given up on the Zoetracker and I said no, I hadn’t given up. "Because you can’t give it up! I GIVE YOUR LIFE MEANING," she insisted. "YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME." Then she cackled like a toothless hag, stuffed half of a day-old croissant in her mouth and staggered back to her desk. "May you choke on your hubris, or your croissant," I said, but I don’t think she heard me.

I Don’t Give Rat’s Nads about Zoe’s Primate

Zoë has a monkey thing on her wallpaper and she keeps telling me, “Come look at my primate,” and “Hey, come look at my primate,” and “Why don’t you ever come over here and look at my primate?” Pffft. I have better things to do than look at Zoë’s primate. And whenever I give in and look at Zoë’s primate, Zoë says “Look at his mouth and chin! Look at the mouth and chin! Look how cute it is!” Christ Almighty, stop harassing me with that tedious primate already. I’m about to call security.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Zoe is Not Here Today

I was just thinking about how badly I don’t want cake right now, and how if somebody put a piece of cake in front of me, I might cry. I wouldn’t burst out in tears right away - I would sit silently for a moment, staring at the hated cake, and slowly the tears would come. Because I don’t want any cake right now! Doesn’t anyone understand me?

Update: While I was on the phone, Amy put the following note on my desk: "There's a white cake w/ white icing in the breakroom."

Saturday, March 05, 2005

What Is E.T. Short For?

Today Zoe told me an E.T. joke, and I laughed a little bit - but Zoe positively roared. She was out of her seat and rolling on the floor. I thought the joke was funny, but not that funny. Later, she walked by my desk and said, "I think you should put that joke in the Zoe Log," and then she started giggling again. "I'll think about it," I told her sternly. I'm not sure she understands the serious nature of this blog, and furthermore, I'm not sure I want to compromise my personal integrity with a wildcat E.T. joke.

(Answer: So he can fit into his spaceship.)

Zoe Must Acquire a Proper Cusscabulary

Whew! Long time, no track. I was sick and then Zoe was in England. Anyway, it occurred to me yesterday that Zoë never swears. No cussing, no cursing, no Lords name in vain, no nothing. Pathetic. It is one of her signature flaws. She is even opposed to using the word "anus." It doesn't make any sense.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Old West Zoe

If Zoe lived in the Old West, who would she be? I hesitate to suggest that she would be a prostitute, because who likes the sound of that? - but really, very few professions would have been open to her. She's not really Madam material - not openly bitchy enough, and rarely loud. Maybe she would marry an Old West venture capitalist and die as a result of some ill-begotten suicide pact. I suppose it would have been up to her. I also suppose that, had I discussed this topic with her before posting this, she would say that she'd have been a "wild woman," abandoned by her banker fiance, bunking in a Utah cave with a friendly wild pig she named "The Juice."

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Random Zoe Quotation

"It’s 3:30 on a Saturday afternoon. Look how dirty that white car is!"

Just Use a Clip

Zoe told me that the heavy-duty stapler hasn't been working properly, and she demonstrated this by unsuccessfully stapling 73 pages. I told her to use a big clip. She said she couldn't use a big clip. So I just kept repeating my clip suggestion until she walked to her desk.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

I've Produced a Solid Octopus Blueprint

Zoe is knitting crap for everybody, or so she says. I told her to knit me an octopus, and I drew a detailed diagram of the octopus I want. So we'll see what turns up. If the product is not true to my diagram, I'm going to drop the luggage on her - figuratively at least, and literally if at all possible.

The Parasite Pals Give Some Irritation, but Much Fun and Love is to be Shared

Zoë was looking at tapeworm photos online. Then she said that maybe she wasn’t cut out for nursing school. Who is? Then she found the Parasite Pals website. Nice movies under “fun stuff.” If I hadn’t been howling with laughter, I’d have barfed on the keyboard.

The Holly Hostess eraser has a hole in her tummy that holds another eraser in the shape of Tickles Tapeworm’s head.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

I Prefer Lemonheads

Re: Boston Baked Beans candy. I thought they had candy centers, but it turns out they have peanut centers. Zoe said that Boston Baked Beans have a bumpy candy coating, but Annette looked them up online, and they have a smooth candy coating. I think Annette uncovered some more information about the bumpy coating, but I had lost interest by that time.

Perhaps Boston Baked Beans would be more popular if they had a mascot with facial features; right now they're represented by a big, faceless pot of beans.

Zoe Needs to Get Some Air

Zoe was combative today. She swiped at me with her claws. She also brought me two snacks, so things evened out in the end.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Zoe Has a Plan

Zoe told me that she is rereading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in preparation for the upcoming film release. While I would never claim that Zoe has gone entirely mental, I am tempted to do so now. I will resist decrying her publicly if she will agree to fight me with tiny french pistols on a WB reality show.

Calm Your Nerves, Stranger

Sexylovepits, if that is her real name, has reprimanded me for tracking Zoe poorly. I think it's a question of perspective. Zoe is a squirrely hologram, and I have other things to do sometimes, like picking the dead leaves off my houseplants or sitting on a chair.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

"Hi, I'm Zoe!"

Today when Zoe came into the office, she was already wearing her nametag. This leads me to believe that either she wore her nametag home yesterday, or she has gone mad and is wearing her nametag everywhere she goes. The latter seems more likely.

I Will Be Hungry

Zoë said that she would probably have Chinese food later today. Did she ask me if I wanted any? No! Did she offer to purchase and deliver my Chinese food to me? No! And she knows how much I love food, and how difficult it is for me to talk others into purchasing it for me and bringing it to me. She knows I hate doing things. But still, nothing. Now I’ll probably have to ask someone else to go buy me some food. It probably won’t even be Chinese food. Sometimes I wonder how I get through the day.

Happy New Year, No Presents

Today Zoë worked for about 20 minutes. She did not bring me anything. I expect her to bring me stuff this time of year. And none of that lame stuff! I want good stuff. Like a pan of Scotcheroos. In fact, I would have been half content had she only walked up to me and said “Scotcheroo.” I would also have been content with one of those large Barbie hairstyling heads. The thing about Zoë is that she never ASKS me what I want, so she doesn’t KNOW what to get for me.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


Today, Zoe asked if she could have some of my Newman's Own pretzels, so I gave her some. About 15 minutes later, she came back and asked for more pretzels. So I gave her more pretzels. Then, later in the afternoon, she asked for more pretzels, so I just handed her the bag and told her to take them with her. Ten minutes after that, she reappeared at my desk with the pretzel bag. It was empty, except for a lot of stray salt at the bottom. "Here, I thought you'd like your salt back," she said.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Cinnamon Candy

Just last week Zoe reminded me how much she dislikes cinnamon candy. I told her that I don't like cinnamon candy either, but that sometimes I like those little red hots. She smelled weakness, and insisted again that she REALLY didn't like cinnamon candy. I insisted that I also really didn't like cinnamon candy. Zoe just stared at me. O, it was a cold, cold stare. But it was more than just a cold stare: it was the flinty glare of a purist.

Idea: Annette keeps cinnamon candy on her desk because she knows that it is the only candy that Zoe will not pilfer.

Time For Pie

"I'm going to track Zoe better after Christmas," I told myself before Christmas. As you can see, I am off to a super double extra excellent start. Zoe was not at work today, so I ate all of the gummy bears off her desk. Tomorrow, she will probably read this and say, "But I never had any gummy bears on my desk." "That's right, Zoe," I will reply. "Because I ate them."

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Meaty Cheesy

I told Zoe that I cut into the Hickory Farms Beef Stick. She didn’t really care. I’m sure that if I had ripped into the “Hickory Farms Suisse Cheese Pasteurized Process Cheese Food,” she would have left me in a cloud of dust in her rush to gorge herself at its Suissey teat. Maybe I should open it, just to see her run.

Zero Implementation

Zoe keeps working in the other office. I asked her why she can’t work in our office, and she said that she needs to be able to talk to the rest of the I.T. staff. So I suggested that she put the I.T. department on speakerphone, and then she said that she needs to use THEIR computer. So I suggested that she bring that special computer over here and put I.T. on speakerphone. Then she just kind of walked away while eating some of the free Christmas cookies that are deluging the office. She didn’t even TRY to implement my ideas. Apparently she wants no part in the wireless revolution, or any other revolution that would allow her to toil in the good office.

Zoe Saved a Fish

Zoe is a stinky hero. She saw a live fish on the floor in her basement and she swooped upon it and plooped it back into it’s tank. Now her hands stink, but that fish will never forget her selfless gesture. Actually, the fish was probably in shock and had no idea who was saving him. So he never knew enough to forget. Good work, Zoe.

Thursday, December 16, 2004


Ooooooo, I feel so sick. Zoe gave me a packet of Angel's Delight Instant Dessert in Barmy Banana Flavour, and naturally I whisked it up and ate the whole thing in one sitting.
The picture is very small, but what can I do? I am too beastly full to google a bigger picture. The packet says "Instant Dessert for Little Angels!" I'm going to assume that Zoe passed this dessert on to me because I am a Little Angel, and not because the packaging includes the word "barmy," re: our usage contretemps of the days of yore.

Monday, December 13, 2004


Zoe called from far away and wanted to know, among other things, the current office gossip. Rather that admit to her that I am not the go-to person for gossip, I told her that I would write down all the current gossip in code. That way, she will never know how little I know. Here it is. Can you crack it? I can’t:

Things around the office have never been better. Uncle Fluoride cleaned teeth and prevented cavities from here to there. Influenza was a problem in 1918. People died, but nobody knew whom to blame. Uncle Fluoride blamed the government, and said so in a 70-page tract written in milk on black paper. Not a success.

Someone blasted a hole into the side of the USS Pony with a raft full of burning aerosol cans. Imagine the confusion! The galley slaves rowed on, but demanded slippers for their feet. The bowels of a ship can be a cold place. When the slippers came, they fell like rain.

I did not get a pay raise. Big Pocket says “Are you kidding?”

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Word From the Front

I received word from Zoe. She was kind enough to forward me a list of what she's consumed. Somehow, it's not enough. Why isn't she eating more? Does she want to waste away? And more importantly, does she want me to waste away? And why did she eat celery? Doesn't she know that she can get that here?

dairylea on bread
ratatouille (sp?)
half pint budweiser
victorian sponge cake
greek yogurt
cranberry, brie, and lettuce wrap
peking ribs crisps
smokey bacon and stilton crisps
mince pie
toffee bakewell
lots of coffee
wine gums
fruit gums

I am concerned that "Toffee Bakewell" is not plural. Typo? Really, just one? America has the boringest chips on the planet. Nacho. Chili cheese. Au Gratin. Onion 'n chive. Dill Pickle. Barbecue. Kiss my ass, Frito Lay! Get on the ball! PEKING RIBS, BROTHER!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Open Letter to Zoe

Dear Zoe sitting in an English “cyber” cafe,
Update: I changed my desktop wallpaper from Scenic Countryside to Jason Bateman. Now that I’m running the office, I think it’s important that folks know which celebrities I support. I know what you’re thinking: “But he doesn’t have an upper lip!” You’re wrong, woman. It’s there. It’s no Angelina Jolie lip, that’s for sure. She’s a freak. But the lip is there.

Today you missed the office power outage. I read the beginning of The Heart of Darkness because it’s the only book in the office. How’s England? Are you wearing your top hat? Do you clap your ‘ands when you see all the farm animals wearing clothes and driving cars? They don't wear clothes here! Have you said “cheers” instead of goodbye? When in Rome, eh?! Remember my homemade Iain Duncan Smith traveling mug?
HR just gave us candy. I won't be saving you any. You know me.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Now It's Mine

Zoë’s in England all week, so I took her thing. It looks just like this:

I believe that this contraption is designed to rest the feet. I am using it to fortify my calf muscles. It moves forward when you press it with your toes, and backwards when you press it with your heels. It makes a faint “ee-er-ee-er” noise. It’s the most fun I’ve had in three days. Unfortunately, Elka is in New Zealand, so she won’t have the opportunity to ask, “What..? What is that weird noise? What are you doing over there?”

Saturday, December 04, 2004


Zoe left the office twenty minutes ago. Where could she be? Could she be out in her car, shoving fistfuls of sour gummy worms into her mouth?

Exactly, Again

Zoe just asked me again to go out to her car to retrieve her sour jelly worms. "Nothing doing," I told her.


Zoë asked me to go out to her car to get her sour gummy worms for her. “Not on your life,” I told her.

Zoe's Lunch

Zoë ate false meat on a roll with butter. She had some brie, but she swore that the brie would not meet the butter-meat-roll. It was salami flavored false meat, by the way. She initially said she was going to eat ham flavored false meat! But she showed up with salami false meat! That false salami is a scoundrel. I like MY meat to tell the TRUTH, no matter what - I can take it. If I feel I can’t take the truth, I just eat a Popsicle or a salad.


I keep hearing a sickly strain of Johnny Cash-oriented warbling wafting from Zoë’s humid quarters. It comes in waves. Silence, silence, then a “how high’s the WATER mamma…” silence, silence, silence “I’m stuck in FOLsom PRIson…” silence, silence, etc.

"I don't like having to think on a Saturday," she said.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Zoe Wants Chips

Yesterday, Zoe came in to the real office and said that she was hungry for potato chips, but she was worried that her chip-crunching noise would offend the people in the other office. I told her that she should ask the other-office people in advance. She should announce, "Hey, I would like to go get a bag of chips. Will my crunching bother anyone here? Anyone? A show of hands?" She said that she wouldn't ask that. I told her that I would go in there and talk to those people for her, but she said that wouldn't be necessary.

I Am Reduced

Yesterday, when Zoe was in the other office, or as I like to call it, the "Stupid Dumb Place," she ate tapioca pudding. But did she really? She told me she did. When I actually stood up and walked down the hallway to talk to Zoe, I saw the plastic container that once held the tapioca pudding. It still held the spoon she used! I believe that she ate the tapioca, because I spotted this damning evidence. Of course, if she had been sitting in her real desk all day, I wouldn't need to see such evidence. I would have seen her walk by my desk with the pudding, and I would have heard her eat the pudding, and I would have heard her comment on the flavor, texture, and overall appeal of the pudding. See what I am reduced to? A petty sleuth, that's what I am reduced to.

Stupid Change

Lately, Zoe has been spending some time in a different office. It's down the hall. This presents problems. I cannot track her with the sort of accuracy that I am accustomed to. I hate it! Who is the monster responsible for this abomination of Zoe displacement? Zoe needs to be with her people! Zoe needs to be in the main office! How is she supposed to concentrate on her work if I'm not in the room, interrupting her every 30 minutes? Or every 5 minutes, whatever? Completely unrealistic, if you ask me. Nobody askes me, that's the problem! I'm just window dressing, or eye candy, or office decoration, or some other beautiful, ignorable font of truth and justice.

What's This?

I ignore Zoetracker 3000 for a week and NOBODY ELSE keeps an eye on Zoe?! Great, she's probably burned her hand on a hot tap, or blinded herself with a Tootsie Pop stick.

No, she's fine. But I wanted you all to worry for a moment. NOW do you know how I feel? Somebody has to keep an eye on that girl! She's liable to choke on a Polly Pocket, or trip over a napping schnauzer.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

The Clouds Break

Finally, Zoe bought some salt and vinegar Kettle Chips. I can hear her crunching on them from here. I also heard her sing a few words. It sounded like, "you better knock, knock on wooood..." I do think this is tremendously unnecessary. More crunching, less Otis Redding - that's what I always say.

"My mouth's starting to feel funny," Zoe just said.


If I had to characterize today, I would say that today is a day without treats. Nobody has eaten anything interesting. I had some dark chocolate, but I didn't tell anyone about it. Zoe had some gum. Really, I'm wondering why we're even here today.

It's Quiet In Here Because Zoe is Sitting Down

Zoe is wearing clacky boots today. Don't you miss the State Fair? I'm going to ask Zoe if she misses the State Fair. Hold on.

Ok, I just asked Zoe if she misses the State Fair, and she said, "Yes."


Zoe was looking at the Monkey Moments website, and I wanted to see the picture of the two suntanning sock monkies, but she wouldn't click on that picture for me. She told me to look it up on my own computer. So I said, "Why are you being so CRUEL today?" and then she insisted that after I see the tanning monkeys, I'll just want to see another picture. Pff! Then she went ahead and showed me the tanning monkeys anyway. It was a funny picture, but you know what made it less funny? Zoe's incredible cruelty.

We are Disney Princesses

Zoe took a test that said she was Cinderella. I took the test, and I am Belle. I presume Belle is the surly, beguiling one. Cinderella is the one who pronounces Mojito "Moe-GEE-toe," with a hard G.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Half Serving

Zoe gave me one of these delicious Peeps.

I looked at the packaging. One serving of Peeps equals two Peeps. Zoe only gave me one Peep. I guess what I'm saying is this: Zoe, give me my other Peep.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Gelé Möss, Yum Yum

How is it that Jelly Rats taste so good, but smell so bad?

Zoe, sitting with Jelly Rats

Boo. This bag of Jelly Rats is full. Mine is empty. Fifteen rats, down the hatch. Zoe ate all the cars.

Zoe calls this "breakfast."

Zoe Had To Go To Target For a Bed Skirt

Zoe said that she needs a bed skirt because she does not want people gawking at her box spring. She said that Ikea does not sell bed skirts because bed skirts are not very European. “How do Europeans hide their box springs?!” I demanded to know. Zoe said that they probably don’t have box springs – they probably just have supportive bed frames. I think Zoe should sell her bed and sleep in a haystack like Little Boy Blue. You can’t get more European than Little Boy Blue, with his sheep in the meadow and his cows in the corn and all that. She probably should forgo dating Little Boy Blue. He’s not very responsible, and he doesn’t wear shoes.

Let's Solve This With a Thumb Wrestle

Zoe doesn’t like when you tell her things. I told her that she shouldn’t say “balmy” when she means “barmy,” and now she seems to want me dead. She’s not entirely wrong, but neither am I. I probably shouldn’t ever tell her anything ever again - she gets secretly shirty, and then I just want to die. I just want to lay/lie down and die. And I'll probably die in a pool of wrong.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Zoe Finally Enters the 20th Century

Zoë gets to take showers now. In her old house, she had no shower. In her old house, she had to heat water on her coal stove, pour the water into a tub, and bathe quickly before the water got too cold. Now that she has a shower, she will probably start washing her hair instead of just powdering it. Since her new house is far away from the office, she will probably start driving her car to work. She used to ride to work on her brown burro. She named that burro Mo Monee. I have never approved of that name. Mo Monee is no name for a burro. She should have named that burro Toasty McBrownTown. I’m going to buy that burro for $70 and rename him Toasty McBrownTown.

Dieresis Breakthrough; Cheesy Puffs

Zoë showed me how to add a dieresis to her e. She also finished my bag of Michael Season’s The Ultimate Cheddar Cheese Puffs in white cheddar.

We agreed that this bag of puffs, despite it's ultra-dynamic packaging, was not cheesy enough. I made a mental note to opt for the orange cheddar variety next time. If the orange ones aren't cheesier, I will give those to Zoë also. Zoë will consume puffs from any point on the cheese spectrum.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Zoe Misses Tuesday

The good news is Zoe survived her costume party. The bad news is she isn't at work today because she's still contagious.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Terrible News

Zoe is going to a party tonight. She will be wearing a non-sexy, non-midriff-bearing genie costume. She will accessorize with gold nail polish, body glitter, fake eyelashes, genie shoes and pink cheeks. The party is in the boonies! Braham, MN. Tract homes and meth labs and pit bulls, don’t you know. When I asked Zoe if she was going to get drunk as a skunk, she squealed “YEEES!” and laughed her head off. I am worried that Zoe will wake up in a muddy field tomorrow - cold, alone, and with mangled clown makeup - far from the warmth and protection of the city. She will have to drag herself to the interstate and flag down a car. And who will stop to pick up a disheveled, rummy genie on a Sunday morning? Like I said, I’m very worried about Zoe.

Zoe Translates

Zoe looked up the German translation of "my dogs are barking." She seemed surprised that the word "dogs" was not present in the German version. I, however, was not surprised at all. I expected as much.

Zoe Zips Her Lip

I said to Zoe, “Zoe, say something that I can put in the ZoeTracker 3000, or I will poke you with this yardstick.” She wouldn’t say anything;she just stood there. So I poked her with the yardstick and still she said nothing. So I gave up. Later she insisted that she said lots of funny stuff today. I politely disagreed.

Change Is Bad

Zoe bought me Everlasting Gobstoppers at SuperAmerica. I am burning mad. They changed Gobstoppers! They are no longer jawbreakers! They are glorified Runts. They have two layers of flavors/colors, and then they're just a ball of dissolvey white sugar. They do not last ever long. I'll eat them, but I am burning mad.

Zoe's Not Here Yet

Zoe isn't here yet, so we decided that she'd better bring in donuts. If she knows what's good for her, that is. Wuollet's donuts, please.

Thursday, October 28, 2004


Apparently, two people have volunteered me to help Zoe move into her new house. People think of me when they need help, and why? Could it be that they think of me because I'm the only person missing when help is called for?

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Zoe's Moving

I took home some bookshelves from the house that Zoe is evacuating. She is fleeing the house because she is tired of the ghost in her loo. It's a pervert ghost. Once, when I was at Zoe's house eating some Jelly Bellies, the pervert ghost walked out of the bathroom and pretended that he was surfing a wave. Then he melted into the mist. I couldn't tell that he was a pervert, but Zoe insisted that he was, and she said that she sometimes sees ghostly Playboy Magazines on the edge of her tub.


I showed Zoe my cherry-flavored wax lips and she had a fit. She screeched, "IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE GUM!?" and "IT'S NOT GUM, IT'S JUST WAX!!" The wax lips deeply disturbed her. I suppose she is bothered by the way wax lips put form before function.

Yet somehow her grody chocolate zombie lips pass muster.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Zoe Didn't Cry

Today Zoe told Elka that she was going to cry, but then she didn’t cry. I was a little disappointed.

Then, while I was typing this post, Zoe looked over my shoulder and read it! That's cheating. She's supposed to wait for my wisdom to pour forth.

Zoe Asked Me

Zoe asked me to go to see "The Grudge" with her, even though I already told her that I never want to see it. Zoe should ask me if I want to do something cool, like accept a suitcase full of 100 dollar bills, no strings attached. Because that is something that I actually want to do.

Zoe's Chocolates

Today Zoe brought in chocolates shaped like grody zombie parts. She thought they were hilarious. I didn’t see the humor. “You should get a sense of humor,” she told me.

Good Morning, Zoe

Someone turned up the volume on Zoe’s computer speakers. Zoe blamed me immediately. How unfortunate, for now she will never catch the real killer. I don’t do things like that. I’m more shrewd than that, and I hate blaring noise. Zoe should know that. But does she? Of course not! She is too busy assuming. And, as Zoe likes to remind us, “You know what ass does.”

Monday, October 25, 2004


Zoe called me on Sunday to ask something like, “How do you make the cream in cream-filled cupcakes stay thick?” First I guessed agar. Then I guessed marshmallow. Then we both squealed our goodbyes and hung up our respective phones. This made me lonesome for the olden days when you could startle people by staying on the line after they hung up, and blurting “HABADEEBAHDAAH!” when they picked up the phone again.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

I Won't Go!

Zoe is throwing a pumpkin carving/scary movie party. This will occur at night, outside of the office. She invited me. I’m not going, for the following reasons: I believe that pumpkin carving is a private thing, I’m scared of people I don’t know, and I’m scared of scary movies. Also, it’s girls-only and that inevitably means we have to talk about purses.

Of Course!

The office candy jar reappeared. I guess someone was feeling guilty about killing our joy, so this person re-hid the stolen jar where we would find it: behind Annette’s computer. Also recovered from behind Annette’s computer: Jerry Garcia’s finger and a fuzzy Werther’s Original.

Update: Zoe Ate All Three Donuts

You're probably wondering about the donut from yesterday. Did I eat it? Gracious, no. Zoe did. And in response to the comment inquiry from the post below: It was a SuperAmerica donut with "chocolate" topping and Halloween-themed sprinkles.

On a related note, Zoe informed me yesterday that I am attracted to a particular type of human nose.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Donut Hesitation

Zoe showed up today with three donuts. She ate two with her diet Pepsi. I had one bite of one, and the rest of it is waiting for my decision: eat more donut, or let donut dry up underneath my computer?

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Mystery, Thy Name is Women's Bathroom

I did not tell anyone at the time, but earlier today, the women's bathroom smelled like a Catholic priest. What could I do? I am only one person.

Meet Thyself, Zoe.

If I don’t update the Zoetracker 3000 often enough, Zoe starts bugging me about it. Zoe does not know herself. She asks herself, “Who am I? What have I to offer?” She then turns to the Zoetracker 3000. Zoe depends on the wisdom it provides. As do many others. I call them "the silent majority." I just made that phrase up, and I have to admit, I really like the way it sounds. "The silent majority." Then there is the non-silent minority, consisting of Chris.

Zoe Keeps Asking For Boxes

Zoe asked me for the cardboard box on my desk. The box is full of crap, so I said no, but maybe later. She wants the box to store her CDs. I told her that the box is the wrong size for CD storage. Zoe proceeded to give me a bunch of guff. Insolent! No box for Zoe!

And now she's pulling hairs off Annette's Felix. Because that's what bookkeepers do.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Again With the Mondays

Today is like Sunday, but with more people. Plus I had free burrito parts for lunch, and a cookie that tasted like soap.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

I Helped Zoe

I helped Zoe alphabetize crap. But did she say thank you? No!

Just kidding. She said thank you. But did I say "you're welcome?" No!

What Zoe Is vs. What Zoe Could Be

Zoe keeps books. Boring! If Zoe would just break out of her chains, she could join any decent Central or South American guerrilla group. She could be their Patty Hearst. She could learn how to shoot, and how to wear combat fatigues properly. She would learn tactics. She would not fetch the ransom that a Patty Hearst could fetch, however, for her ancestors were not captains of industry.

Zoe Sniffs Glue

Zoe was sniffing the rubber cement, so I took it away from her and wrote "No Zoe" on it. She has no problem sniffing glue, but smelling my jar? That's well-nigh impossible.

Zoe Says Whinge Instead of Whine Sometimes

But sometimes she says whine. Also, I asked Zoe what color the copier repairman's hair was, and she said, "falling out."

Monday, October 11, 2004


The office is deathly still on Mondays because Zoe refuses to show up and do a decent day's work. Just look! This photo was snapped today by Marmaduke Cowper. I've never seen us look so beaten and listless. We barely resemble ourselves! That's me on the far right, waiting for the switchboard to light up. I'm not anywhere near the switchboard, so that should give you some idea of the strength of my work ethic. I'm probably laughing at one of my own jokes. Note the general lack of mirth in the room.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

I Look For an Edge

I have wasted much time not tracking Zoe. I need to improve my tracking performance. But how? Vital feedback is rare when you run a small business. Zoetracker 3000 is a blossoming enterprise, and I am a cruel, distant, and strikingly good-looking CEO. What more could give Zoetracker 3000 that coveted edge? Perhaps a no-load mutual fund?

Zoe Is a Lunatic

Zoe is Emperor Norton. The Test said so. I took the Test, and I am also Emperor Norton. I get the feeling that everyone is Emperor Norton. Good test.

I'm Joshua Abraham Norton, the first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Zoe Is Going Somewhere

Zoe is going to a hootie-hoo party tonight. She said she might puke at the party because Famous Lady will be there. I am bewildered! I am a famous lady and Zoe never pukes around me. Seems like Zoe's not telling me something, i.e., maybe Zoe DOES puke around me, but hides it.

Mint Newman-Os

Zoe hauled a package of Mint Newman-Os into the office and ate about 40 Newman-Os. Annette had at least four Newman-Os. I had zero, because I do not like Newman-Os. I do not enjoy them. I find them tedious.

Snack, or Mansnack?

Zoe just traipsed by my desk (it was audible traipsing, with audibly swinging arms) and hesitated long enough to chant, “Goin’ on a manhunt.” Then she stopped, turned, and said, “I mean, going for a snack!” She thought this was funny, and I suppose it was, if by “funny” you mean “mystifying in all respects.”

Zoe Tells A Harrowing Tale

Zoe told me that she unleashed her bicycle for the first time this year, and that she pedaled it somewhere, and that the experience was exhilarating. Exhilarating? I don't need that much information! But then she mimed a cycling motion; she bobbed and weaved and clutched at her imaginary handlebars. “I was tearin’ it up!” she bawled, bobbing and bouncing. “TEARIN’ IT UP!!” That’s when I backed away and let her have some quiet time.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

RIP Candy Jar

We used to have a candy jar in the office. It disappeared a few months ago. Very mysterious. I think somebody threw it away. Nobody would steal it. It was not remarkable in any way. So I think that somebody threw it away. Somebody saw that the candy jar gave us great joy, and this person threw it away in order to hurt us. Who would do such a thing? Who wants to spread dissatisfaction and malaise? More importantly, who wants to bring in a new candy jar, filled with Everlasting Gobstoppers (in the bag they came in, so we can be sure that they are not contaminated by the hater who threw out our candy jar?)

Saturday, October 02, 2004


For a few hours, Zoe had a photo of ME on her computer wallpaper. I looked good. Now the photo of me is gone, replaced by a photo of two sock monkeys trick-or-treating.

I Have to Admit a Few Things Here

Zoe ate a tub of tapioca pudding. She is talking about eating a second tub of pudding. I have to admit, it looked like very good tapioca pudding. But will it heal her broken heart? I have to admit, it looked like it could. It was very firm pudding.

Zippers Go Up the Middle

Today Zoe is wearing a red zip sweater. I've noticed that the sweater zipper is three inches to the right of where it should be. It is ok to demand competent zipper placement, Zoe. Zippers go up the middle. Zippers have gone up the middle since the dawn of time. Maybe you could return your side-zip sweater and get yourself a hammock. Hammocks mean relaxation! Also, please get me a hammock. I need the kind that has it's own base because my trees are too far apart.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Tracking Zoe From Home

It is a challenge, tracking Zoe while she is at work and I am at home. Because what is she DOING? I think that I will call her direct line and ask her. Wait here, I have to go get my phone.

I got Zoe's voicemail. She's away from her stupid desk! Probably truffling for snacks! Her message said, "Leave a DETAILED message at the tone." So I did. But I did not leave my name, for fear of bloody reprisals.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Zoe, Smell My Jar

A small jar showed up in the office. It had a few pens in it, so I threw the pens aside. I often throw things aside in the office. I put the jar on my desk and said to Zoe, "Zoe, smell my jar." She refused. I repeated this request at regular intervals throughout the day. All I got were a few giggles. Eventually, curiosity will drive Zoe to smell the jar. Probably when I'm not looking.

Zoe Comments Aloud

Zoe just said, "It says here that older people are turning to the internet for love." She emphasized the word "love." She said it like this: loooOOOoove. I was not impressed. Annette might have been impressed. I have not asked her.

Zoe Fails To Taunt Me Properly

Zoe tried to taunt me with her cheesy poofs, but it did not work. I didn't want her cheesy poofs. I already had cheesy poofs today, so her taunts did not "take."

Give Zoe Her Due

At work, Zoe is like the elephant who gets groped by blind guys. Every blind guy touches a different part of Elephant Zoe and comes up with his own conclusion: Zoe fixes keyboards, Zoe fixes member records, Zoe does accounting things, Zoe shoots bad-check writers, Zoe fixes email, Zoe labors in the salt mines, Zoe completes the outlier tasks, Zoe cracks code, Zoe codes cracks, Zoe cracks corn, Zoe flies in the face of decorum and good taste, etc. None of the blind guys stop groping long enough to say, “Wait, this is Zoe, a concrete and cohesive unit. She is not just a trunk or a tail or a leg or a bristle. She is an elephant.” See? I am here to slap away the groping hands and say, “Peoples, Zoe is an elephant.” I have been saying this for two years now; every time I repeat it, people just stare at me like I’m skipping in place, playing air harmonica. Like that would be weird, playing air harmonica.

Zoe's Back

Do I mean "Zoe Is Back," or I am referring to her "back," as in "Zoe's back hurts because I threw her into a shallow dirt hole?" Answer: Both variants are correct.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Will Zoe Be Too Busy On Tuesday?

I am worried that Zoe will be too busy on Tuesday to tell us what happened in the cabin. Did she cut off anyone's ear? Did she burn a potholder? Did she pay a damage deposit, and if so, will she ever see that money again? Did she consume any of the following popular cabin foods?

Combos Snacks
Wheat Thins
Cap'n Crunch (no milk)
Cheez Balls
Crystal Meth
Fried Rice Take-Out
Halls Cough Drops
Mickey's Donuts
Phillip's Vodka

I should have written this grocery list for Zoe before she left. It's too late now. I hope that I am not disappointed. Also, I hope that Zoe is not disappointed. I think she thought that she was renting the cabin where Richard Marx recorded his self-titled album "Richard Marx."


Stop, I just had another memory. Last Christmas Zoe won Connect Four at least 15 times. I lost at least 15 times. I won never. I never won Connect Four. Only Zoe won. And she laughed me out of the house, or would have, if it had been time for me to leave. How she roared! What if we had been playing for money? I would spent Boxing Day in debtor's prison, that's what.

Zoe Returns To the Office Tomorrow

Hurry up. I'm running out of things to say about you, Zoe. I'm about to start making things up. Here's a little something I made up about Zoe: When Zoe gets cold, she curls up under her desk in a bear-skin rug and she drinks homemade whiskey through a straw. She also used to keep a pinch of tobacco between her cheek and gums until we removed the porcelain cuspidor from the office.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

An Important Parenthetical Departure; An Aside, If You Will. Will You?

Zoe prefers synthetic sponges to natural sea sponges.

Zoe Is No Sponge

I used to have a bosom friend named Margy. She’s dead now. No, I kid! She’s just married and working in a casino. Margy used to steal my good ideas. She was an idea bandito. A thief in stonewashed trousers. A cutpurse, a slave-raider, a first-rate infringer. That’s why I killed her. No, NO, I kid! She’s just married and working in a casino. See, that’s one of the things I like about Zoe. She never sponges like Margy did. She comes up with her own crackpot ideas. She has no need for mine. In fact, when I offer her my good and/or profitable ideas, she refuses to accept them. Is it because Zoe is a mensch, or is it because she doesn’t know a stellar idea when she sees one? Like my vitamin gumball idea. Most people would have run with that one, and most people would have taken all the credit. Not Zoe. She’s too busy cabining. Is it because she is a cabiner, or is it because she doesn’t know a stellar idea when she sees one? Is it because her favorite movie is Krippendorf’s Tribe, or is it because she hates freedom? Is it because she lives fear, or is it because she fears to live? Once again, all good questions.

Friday, September 24, 2004

When He's Done Cussing Out the Taiwanese

I hear that Elton John is re-tooling that Norma Jean/Diana song to reflect his respect and admiration for Zoe. And that bald serious guy is re-tooling "Rat in a Cage" to reflect his esteem for me. How I hate him.

Tomorrow Zoe May Skip Work

Zoe might not be at work tomorrow. I think I remember her mumbling something about going somewhere to live in a cabin for a day. Sounds silly. Because what does she think she's doing? What is a cabin going to solve? Can she smoke cigarettes in this cabin? All good questions.

Zoe, Don't Invite Him Here

Zoe's west-coast boyfriend makes the news.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I'm Saying I MIGHT Watch It

I am considering viewing America's Next Top Model tonight, because Brian's gone and Zoe will have no one to discuss it with if I don't pick up the slack.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Zoe Just Phoned Me

Zoe just called me and blurted "I JUST SAW SLOAN STICK AN ENTIRE DONUT IN HIS MOUTH!" Zoe likes to keep me informed. And I like to keep YOU informed. Or do I? I guess I do, sure.

Tuesday Afternoon

I GENEROUSLY allowed Zoe to have some of my Special K Bar, but before she took it from my desk, she sprinted back to her desk while squealing, "JUST A MINUTE I HAVE TO PUT MY GUM IN MY SECRET GUM PLACE!" Then she came back to my desk and helped herself to my Special K Bar. I asked her where her secret gum place was. She wouldn't tell me. Later I spotted her gum. It was on her water mug, where the handle attaches to the mug. It's secret, so don't tell anyone I told you.

I Help Zoe Come to Terms With Her Face

Zoe said that her facial features look funny on her face. I told her that she looks fine. I told her that she should look at me. I look great. You would be hard pressed to locate another face as pleasant as mine. Even when I am crabby or furious, my pleasant face can calm a nervous puppy or put a freaked-out baby to sleep. I’m frightfully beautiful these days.

Zoe Wonders

Zoe is obviously wondering if any of the Gert Jonnys guys are single. I'm guessing that they were snatched up long ago. But maybe not. Go get your Gert Jonny, Zoe! Go get him before he's gone!

Though I don't know where he'd go.

Zoe Longs to Sing Along With the Gert Jonnys

Zoe Hearts Mike Noble of Tucson, Arizona

Zoe's favorite website is World O' Frock. She says she tried to leave a comment on his site, but that it did not "take." What is Zoe's favorite rock band? She has hinted that it is the Inge Lindqvists.

Veat and Veet

Zoe does not like Veat. Veat makes her uncomfortable because it is not veal, and it is not meat. Does Zoe like Veet? After all, it is not veal, and it is not feet. Zoe, does Veet make you uncomfortable too? It ought to.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Zoe Missed the Chips

Zoe missed the free chips. Don't let me see that chin wobble, Zoe! No crying! You could work Mondays, but you choose not to work. You choose to stay home and try on your old prom dresses.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Enormous Powerpuff Head Update

Her head is on my couch. Elka said the Powerpuff head looks like my head. I never know what to do with these comments.

Ways In Which My Head Differs From The Enormous Powerpuff Head:

1. I don't wear pig tails
2. I wear corrective lenses
3. My head, soft and stuffed as it is, is not plush
4. My hair is less blonde
5. My head has a body, knock on wood
6. I just don't look like that head
7. Elka is wrong, I'm sorry
8. My head talks
9. I'm not in a cartoon, knock on wood again
10. I do not save lives for a living
11. See No. 7

Idea Chucked

I was going to highlight classic Zoe Log entries on the ZoeTracker 3000, but I was looking over last year's material, and I have concluded that Classic Log entries will not translate on to ZoeTracker 3000. It won't work. Looks stupid. Zoe's Log is a terrific museum piece, to be sure. But it's not meant for computer machines.

Zoe Likes Badtz Maru

Some people don't like Hello Kitty OR her co-workers. I have no patience for these people. Try harder. There must be at least ONE Hello Kitty character you can sympatize with, or peek at without throwing up a little. If you hate all the Hello Kitty characters, I don't know what to do about you. Are you a Communist? Check with your mom. So, Zoe likes Badtz Maru. I don't care for Badtz Maru myself. I like Sweet Coron, Nyago, and Deery Lou. Stop gagging.

Too Late, Party People

Zoe brought me cupcakes and donuts for my birthday yesterday. Yes, MY birthday. If you forgot my birthday, I feel sorry for you. You are only hurting yourself. Also, you are hurting me. Also, you are hurting the Birthday Industry. You didn't even buy me a gag gift. You didn't even buy me a real gift. Unless you bought me a gift and are holding on to it until I buy you a gift of equal or greater value.

Half Lemonade, Half Iced tea

Zoe gave me a tan cardigan. The tag reads "Arnold Palmer by Robert Bruce." I like Arnold Palmer's cardigan. Robert Bruce, on the other hand, had better back off. I have no time for his monkeyshines right now.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Stop What You're Doing

I just had a memory. This morning Zoe FINALLY brought in photos of herself as wee bairn, schoolgirl, and teenager. But there were so many tile-coating fumes in the office that I'm afraid that the photos did not get the attention they deserved. Damn it, Zoe, if you bring those photos home before we get a clean chance to go over them with a FINE TOOTHCOMB, I will hide a little piece of limburger cheese in your pen drawer. Not only will it stink, it may attract Lisa's desk ants.

I Need To Get My Rear In Gear

I need to track more Zoe. I need to quit being so lazy. I need to team with that theme: Track Zoe, Quit Being So Lazy. I need to get down to business, nose to the grindstone, team with the theme. I need to team with the theme. I need to go to bed, it's almost midnight. So: I need to go to bed, then team with the theme. What?

Monday, September 13, 2004

Zoe Misses Out When She Stays Home on Mondays

Annette brought me a large Powerpuff Girl head from the Breakroom Free Box. It is plush, two feet wide and one foot tall. When she presented me with the head, I thought of how European colonists gave American Indians smallpox-infected blankets.

I sniffed the head and it smelled like perfume. I didn’t smell any smallpox, and I’m fairly sure that Annette doesn’t want to kill me and take my land. So I have accepted the head graciously.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Garage Bonus

Zoe, the garage also houses an early-model exercise bike. It may work. You can pedal to keep warm. You can also pedal to maintain aerobic health. You could collect signatures and pedal to raise funds to fight a disease. Really, it's up to you.

I Remind Zoe About the Garage

Earlier this summer, Zoe came over and fixed the brakes on my bicycle. While we were in the garage, I pointed to the garage loft/rafters. "That's where you can stay if you ever need a place to stay," I told her. She would have to stay in the loft, or "mezzanine," as I like to call it, because the main garage space is full to the brim with VW van. She can stand on the van to reach the mezzanine because the van never moves. The garage appears to be waterproof.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Zoe Could Wipe Out Office Vitamin Deficiency by 2006

If you are in the know, you know that Zoe has been driving the metro area for about 6 months with a gumball machine in her backseat. "I bought a gumball machine for my desk," she announced last winter. But has she ever hauled this backseat gumball machine into the office? No, she has not. I believe she chewed all the gumballs in the privacy of her home.

What I am proposing is a two-part scheme to bring gumballs into our office via Zoe. First, Zoe actually brings the gumball machine into the office. Second, somebody (not me) should bring in Vitaball Vitamin Gumballs in Wild 'n Fruity Flavors or Now With Blue Raspberry. That way, we can overdose on sugar AND 100% RDA of 11 essential vitamins in a variety of flavors.

Thursday, September 09, 2004


It is Thursday, so Zoe must be at work. If Zoe is at work, she must be thigh-deep in sugar. What type of sugar is Zoe eating today? My Zpidy sense tells me it is peanut butter pretzels, because they are in stock again. My other guesses are Everlasting Gobstoppers, little Butterfingers, Nestle Treasures, or ginger chews. With Pepsi One. And chips. And carrots.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004


"You're always trying to discredit me," Zoe just said. How true that is.

Zoe Capitulates and Gives Me Some Gum

Zoe gave me a piece of gum. It is spearmint. "Nobody likes spearmint," I told her. "If nobody liked spearmint, they wouldn't make it," she replied, and tried to look busy. She tried to look like she's smarter than me or something. Which she is not.

Zoe Won't Share

Zoe won't share her gum with me. I just said, "Zoe, give me gum," and she said, "Scuse me?" like she always does. Zoe always says "Scuse me?" when she is pretending she can't hear you.

Zoe Needs To Assert Dominion Over Her Pod

When I told Zoe that Saturdays go faster when she isn’t in the office, she seemed stricken with grief, as if accelerating our office experience was her one true calling. She pouted and sighed a great deal. Finally she cried, “Well maybe I shouldn’t work on Saturdays then! Maybe I should work Mondays!” She was so pouty-faced that I almost slapped her with my flip-style sorter.

“I don’t fit in anymore,” Zoe said later. Fit in to what? Are you speaking in tongues? Fit in to what? Our elaborate office hierarchy? Because you do fit into that, Zoe. You are eight rungs above me and one rung below Annette. But actually, we are not using the rung system any longer. We now use the Floating Pod Office Hierarchy Superstructure. I suppose it is possible that Zoe does not fit into this particular structure in a way that is pleasing to her. Her pod seems to float with a jerky side-to-side motion, whereas I studied the manual and learned how to steer my pod with grace and extreme scootiness. Just read the manual, Zoe. Don’t let your pod make your decisions for you.

Monday, August 30, 2004


It’s Monday, which is the day of the week that Zoe stays in her closet and works on her special “theorems.” She is also working on a spreadsheet that will allow me to go back in time. When I scoffed at such an idea, Zoe took off her shoes, removed her insoles, sprayed Lysol into each shoe, replaced the insoles, and put the shoes back on her feet. “See?” she said. “Stop second guessing my work.”

At these words, Banzan became enlightened. I, however, went back to my desk and reorganized my pen cup.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Meet Zoe

A word about Zoe, for those who are new to the Zoe Log Phenomenon: you will never know Zoe. Zoe is inscrutable. For example, once Zoe disappeared into the Rochester forest and emerged the next morning at the Duluth Radisson. Zoe is like zen, only spelled wrong. Don't be afraid, however! If you approach Zoe on the street or in a bar, she will probably think that you are vulgar and/or odd, but she will not initiate a knife fight with you.

I Grapple With the Impossibility of the ZoeTracker 3000

The ZoeTracker 3000 is different from the Zoe Log. It is zippier. I wouldn't say that the ZoeTracker 3000 surpasses the Zoe Log in terms of handsomeness. I really should not compare the two, because the two are brothers. When you start comparing brothers, you're asking for trouble. Because the two will bicker and engage in fistfights. One brother might slay the other if the other offers me a superior sacrifice. Is the ZoeTracker 3000 Abel? Is the Zoe Log Cain? I can't comment on that. I don't like to contemplate slayings.

Zoetracker 3000 Up and Running

Goodbye, paper Zoe Log. Hello, Computer Machine Zoe Log! I cannot make a dieresis on "e," so let's never mind about that.

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