Friday, December 02, 2011
“What are you looking at?!”
“I wanted to see if there was a note about Kristi on the white board.”
“Well, is there one?’
“Then why don’t you write one?”
Right. If Zoë wants to know where I keep my gold, this campaign of furtive peeking will get her nowhere.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
She also asked me why I’d barely chewed any of the emergency gum she stashed for me. I told her that I bring my own gum and use the emergency gum for emergencies.
If Zoë had her way she’d eat all the canned hams in my fallout shelter and blow my zombie ammo on skeet.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Anyway, Zoe’s leave of absence expires tomorrow - she has no choice but to show her face.
I have already hidden several sausages in her workstation.
Friday, January 02, 2009
No, no, and no. Snakebite and Mouse are perfectly respectable names, though I don’t think Steve was in favor of either. “Dudley” is scarcely mentionable in polite society. I’m not saying Zoe circulates amongst polite society; I’m just saying that Dudley is a loathsome name, unacceptable outside of sketchy English earls in the court of Elizabeth I.
Snakebite or Mouse, she said. Snakebite or Mouse.
In case you were wondering, the stamps smelled a bit plasticy.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Zoe also told me her dog has fleas.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Today Zoe bought a fruitcake and it smelled like canned baked beans.
Monday, December 31, 2007
I saw Sweeney Todd. It would have been good if it hadn’t been for the incessant singing.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Later Zoe walked by my desk and said, “What, do you think that I just go around thinking of Mickey Mouse? And children?”
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
I sure wish Zoe were here.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I should mention that Zoe looks especially serious today because she’s wearing glasses.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
“Zoe’s eating a bag of buns,” Annette announced five minutes later.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Later, I googled “ants milking aphids” for Zoe (I often do nice things for Zoe), and I read that wasps sometimes parasitize aphids, mummifying the aphids as they insert their larvae. I suggested that Zoe crochet an aphid mummy with a removeable wasp larva. She told me that I was being “creepy.” I told her that it would be “adorable.”
Sometimes I think Zoe has deep psychological issues with the Sublime, i.e., My ideas are sublime and she takes issue with them.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Few things bring me more sad joy than the image of Zoe, haggard yet manic, barefoot, alone, and pawing through alley trash as the stray dogs circle and sniff her hobo sack.
Anyway, that’s where we stand on that one.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Maybe if her chiropractor would spend less time griping about butterscotch chips and more time pressing her bones back into their sockets, Zoe wouldn’t have such unbearable rickets right now.
“Don’t you tell me what kind of chips to have for breakfast,” Zoe should have told the scoundrel.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Sometimes I feel that Zoe doesn't really think these things through. It's like we're in a movie, and I'm the quick-witted adventuress who is beautiful and does all the thinking, and she is the wild-eyed accountant who is always slinking off into the shadows to plan some histrionic and belated rejoinder. Then we're all chased into the woods by some guy wearing a sheet and size 12 shoes.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
UPDATE: Zoe's dog has worms.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
More importantly, it would take 10,237.50 Hersheys Kisses to kill me. It doesn't say how quickly you have to ingest them. I suppose you have to find a way to eat them all at once. You probably wouldn't even taste them. I don't see the point. I'd rather go on living than eat chocolate without tasting it.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Monday, December 19, 2005
Circle I Limbo
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
Circle IV Rolling Weights
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
Zoe's cat that ate all that butter
Circle VII Burning Sands
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
This is a SUGAR GLIDER. Sugar Gliders are marsupials and their babies are called joeys. They have furry arm flaps so they can glide from tree to tree, stealing sugar from Zoe and bringing it to me.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
your marrying zacky zengeance or the lead from arch
who will you marry?
brought to you by Quizilla
I don't know what this means. Bewildering syntax aside, who is zacky zengeance? Who is the lead from arch enemy? Are these "good boys?" I'm just saying.
Ruffians and hoodlums are OK, but I don't want Zoe marrying any bookworms or lily-livered jackanapes.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Note: Zoe's favorites (see above) are "projected" favorites and may not "reflect" her "actual" "favorites."
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
I know what she SHOULD have been doing: sitting at her kitchen table and writing out a list of gift ideas for me. But no, she had to watch tv. Lame.
(Aside to Zoe: I'd like an Amazon gift card, a white cake with white frosting, a beta fish, an antique sofa with a secret compartment full of jewels, and some new shoes - not too dressy, not too casual.)
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I love him like a son. My son, the undersea genius. My son, the octopus. He will grow up to be a lawyer and a doctor and he will keep me free of disease and assorted pestilence until I die peacefully (and entirely compos mentis) in my sleep. I will be very old, but my beauty will cling to me like a drenched sailor to a buoy.
That's my boy!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Me: Do you have any gum?
Me: I no longer want to live.
Me: Where is my octopus?
Zoe: No hablo ingles.
Zoe: Do you have any gum?
Me: Yes, but it's Vanilla Chill.
Zoe: No hablo ingles.
Me: I wish I had a diet coke with lime.
Zoe: So go to SuperAmerica.
Me: I didn't bring any cash today. I'm not going.
Zoe: Get me a Pepsi One, too.
Zoe: Free vegan peach-cheddar-fig scones in the breakroom.
Me: Are they good?
Zoe: No. (stuffs scone chunk into cheek)
Friday, September 02, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The tiny mirror given to me by Zoe. It was a gift.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
If only I would inherit a large amount of money! Then I could live on Greek island and do all of my unnecessary corrections by phone or semaphore.
I just ate a whole box of mini Charleston Chews. I don't feel very good.
Friday, June 10, 2005
I will let you know.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
SCENE ONE, Saturday morning
AMY: I almost bought you a Britney Spears calendar.
ANNETTE: Oh, cute!
AMY: But I didn't.
ANNETTE: It was the thought that counted.
SCENE TWO, later that morning
AMY: BLTs last night.
ANNETTE: That's great!
AMY: I feel like a new woman.
ANNETTE: I bet you do.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
At this point, I suspect the caliber of my Zoe-made octopus will match or meet (though not exceed) that of this octopus:
Simple, but effective. And efficient, see? I let Zoë do all the work as I sit back and reap the rewards of my subtle yet resounding effrontery.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
But Zoe wasn't worried about the hazardous additives in Zoe's O's cereal - oh, no - she merely thought that Zoe's O's tasted bad. So I gave it try. She was wrong. It doesn't taste bad, but that doesn't matter. I'm not going to eat it again because I fear the side effects listed above.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Saturday, April 09, 2005
UPDATE, 4pm: Zoe has eaten 5 of the 6 Peeps.
Monday, April 04, 2005
You scored 27 Mass, 48 Electronegativity, 39 Metal, and 70 Radioactivity!
|Sweet! You're quirky and non-confrontational... but you are also highly dynamic in relationships. You're kinda that "anything to anyone" type, but you don't demand that people love you for it. You very much do you own thing... and probably by extention you're the only one who can do the things you do. You're rarely found alone, but you'd get along great with other people like yourself. You're probably the only element that should try to find a mate who is just like you. Oh, and too much of you in a high-pressure situation can make other people act drunk... or die.|
| My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender|
|Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus|
Friday, April 01, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Update: While I was on the phone, Amy put the following note on my desk: "There's a white cake w/ white icing in the breakroom."
Saturday, March 05, 2005
(Answer: So he can fit into his spaceship.)
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
The Holly Hostess eraser has a hole in her tummy that holds another eraser in the shape of Tickles Tapeworm’s head.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Perhaps Boston Baked Beans would be more popular if they had a mascot with facial features; right now they're represented by a big, faceless pot of beans.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Monday, December 27, 2004
Idea: Annette keeps cinnamon candy on her desk because she knows that it is the only candy that Zoe will not pilfer.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Thursday, December 16, 2004
The picture is very small, but what can I do? I am too beastly full to google a bigger picture. The packet says "Instant Dessert for Little Angels!" I'm going to assume that Zoe passed this dessert on to me because I am a Little Angel, and not because the packaging includes the word "barmy," re: our usage contretemps of the days of yore.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Things around the office have never been better. Uncle Fluoride cleaned teeth and prevented cavities from here to there. Influenza was a problem in 1918. People died, but nobody knew whom to blame. Uncle Fluoride blamed the government, and said so in a 70-page tract written in milk on black paper. Not a success.
Someone blasted a hole into the side of the USS Pony with a raft full of burning aerosol cans. Imagine the confusion! The galley slaves rowed on, but demanded slippers for their feet. The bowels of a ship can be a cold place. When the slippers came, they fell like rain.
I did not get a pay raise. Big Pocket says “Are you kidding?”
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
dairylea on bread
half pint budweiser
victorian sponge cake
cranberry, brie, and lettuce wrap
peking ribs crisps
smokey bacon and stilton crisps
lots of coffee
I am concerned that "Toffee Bakewell" is not plural. Typo? Really, just one? America has the boringest chips on the planet. Nacho. Chili cheese. Au Gratin. Onion 'n chive. Dill Pickle. Barbecue. Kiss my ass, Frito Lay! Get on the ball! PEKING RIBS, BROTHER!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Update: I changed my desktop wallpaper from Scenic Countryside to Jason Bateman. Now that I’m running the office, I think it’s important that folks know which celebrities I support. I know what you’re thinking: “But he doesn’t have an upper lip!” You’re wrong, woman. It’s there. It’s no Angelina Jolie lip, that’s for sure. She’s a freak. But the lip is there.
Today you missed the office power outage. I read the beginning of The Heart of Darkness because it’s the only book in the office. How’s England? Are you wearing your top hat? Do you clap your ‘ands when you see all the farm animals wearing clothes and driving cars? They don't wear clothes here! Have you said “cheers” instead of goodbye? When in Rome, eh?! Remember my homemade Iain Duncan Smith traveling mug?
HR just gave us candy. I won't be saving you any. You know me.
Monday, December 06, 2004
I believe that this contraption is designed to rest the feet. I am using it to fortify my calf muscles. It moves forward when you press it with your toes, and backwards when you press it with your heels. It makes a faint “ee-er-ee-er” noise. It’s the most fun I’ve had in three days. Unfortunately, Elka is in New Zealand, so she won’t have the opportunity to ask, “What..? What is that weird noise? What are you doing over there?”
Saturday, December 04, 2004
"I don't like having to think on a Saturday," she said.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
No, she's fine. But I wanted you all to worry for a moment. NOW do you know how I feel? Somebody has to keep an eye on that girl! She's liable to choke on a Polly Pocket, or trip over a napping schnauzer.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
"My mouth's starting to feel funny," Zoe just said.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Saturday, November 06, 2004
We agreed that this bag of puffs, despite it's ultra-dynamic packaging, was not cheesy enough. I made a mental note to opt for the orange cheddar variety next time. If the orange ones aren't cheesier, I will give those to Zoë also. Zoë will consume puffs from any point on the cheese spectrum.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Yet somehow her grody chocolate zombie lips pass muster.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Then, while I was typing this post, Zoe looked over my shoulder and read it! That's cheating. She's supposed to wait for my wisdom to pour forth.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Sunday, October 24, 2004
On a related note, Zoe informed me yesterday that I am attracted to a particular type of human nose.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
And now she's pulling hairs off Annette's Felix. Because that's what bookkeepers do.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Monday, October 11, 2004
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Friday, October 01, 2004
I got Zoe's voicemail. She's away from her stupid desk! Probably truffling for snacks! Her message said, "Leave a DETAILED message at the tone." So I did. But I did not leave my name, for fear of bloody reprisals.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Monday, September 27, 2004
Cap'n Crunch (no milk)
Fried Rice Take-Out
Halls Cough Drops
I should have written this grocery list for Zoe before she left. It's too late now. I hope that I am not disappointed. Also, I hope that Zoe is not disappointed. I think she thought that she was renting the cabin where Richard Marx recorded his self-titled album "Richard Marx."
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Friday, September 24, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Monday, September 20, 2004
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Ways In Which My Head Differs From The Enormous Powerpuff Head:
1. I don't wear pig tails
2. I wear corrective lenses
3. My head, soft and stuffed as it is, is not plush
4. My hair is less blonde
5. My head has a body, knock on wood
6. I just don't look like that head
7. Elka is wrong, I'm sorry
8. My head talks
9. I'm not in a cartoon, knock on wood again
10. I do not save lives for a living
11. See No. 7
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Monday, September 13, 2004
I sniffed the head and it smelled like perfume. I didn’t smell any smallpox, and I’m fairly sure that Annette doesn’t want to kill me and take my land. So I have accepted the head graciously.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Friday, September 10, 2004
What I am proposing is a two-part scheme to bring gumballs into our office via Zoe. First, Zoe actually brings the gumball machine into the office. Second, somebody (not me) should bring in Vitaball Vitamin Gumballs in Wild 'n Fruity Flavors or Now With Blue Raspberry. That way, we can overdose on sugar AND 100% RDA of 11 essential vitamins in a variety of flavors.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
“I don’t fit in anymore,” Zoe said later. Fit in to what? Are you speaking in tongues? Fit in to what? Our elaborate office hierarchy? Because you do fit into that, Zoe. You are eight rungs above me and one rung below Annette. But actually, we are not using the rung system any longer. We now use the Floating Pod Office Hierarchy Superstructure. I suppose it is possible that Zoe does not fit into this particular structure in a way that is pleasing to her. Her pod seems to float with a jerky side-to-side motion, whereas I studied the manual and learned how to steer my pod with grace and extreme scootiness. Just read the manual, Zoe. Don’t let your pod make your decisions for you.
Monday, August 30, 2004
At these words, Banzan became enlightened. I, however, went back to my desk and reorganized my pen cup.